The Mean Streets of Apache Junction

Friday Challenge 8/12

2011-08-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

Crewman Frank Spence laid in his bunk and contemplated the effort it would talk to roll his bulk out of it. The air in the small room stank of sweat, desperation, and a hint of pastrami. His red shirt had rolled up over his belly exposing a large hairy gut that hadn’t been there when he originally joined the crew of the Enterprise. He sat up and kicked his legs over the side of his bunk and pulled the shirt down over his girth.

“Five year mission my butt” he muttered to himself.

When he signed up, Frank had no clue what the mission would entail, but how dangerous could the security detail be on a ship that was just supposed to be exploring strange new worlds? Little did he know that he and his fellow security officers would become the captain’s own personal storm troopers beaming down and taking the brunt of the casualties?

“Who has these types of casualties on a peaceful mission?” Frank thought to himself.

Every week some innocent red shirt gets knocked off. Three weeks ago it was his best friend on the ship, Jason. Some rock creature disintegrated Jason in an instant. Frank pondered this fact. In a blink of an eye his friend was gone. They were all gone so Kirk can get it on with whatever strange colored chick came his way.

It was losing his best friend that got Frank some extended time off to sort everything out.

“It’s just too high a price to pay so Captain can be a rock star” Frank mumbled again. He raised his voice louder and resolutely announced to his empty cabin “Well little does Kirk know, I’m not playing the game anymore.”

He grunted as he eased off his bunk and his feet hit the ground with a loud thump. He walked over to the food replicator and pushed a large red button and commanded “Bowl of Gravy.”

The replicator replied back in its comforting female voice “Will that be brown or white gravy?”

Frank thought about it for a second and decided to change his mind. “Computer, please give me a chocolate cake with extra frosting……and three bowls of ice cream.”

The female voice came back with another question. “Sir, you have not had any protein this morning.”

“I had a chicken” Frank retorted.

“I did indeed replicate a chicken for you, but you only consumed the skin.” The computer said matter of factly.

“Fine then,” Frank said disgustedly, “I’ll take a bowl of spaghetti and throw a big fat ribeye on top. And then give me the dang cake and ice cream. And don’t forget the extra frosting. In fact just replicate me a whole container of frosting. “

“Are you positive that this is what you want?” The replicator chirped back. The computers voice reminded Frank of his mother which made him feel even more defiant.

“It’s what I asked for isn’t it!” Frank said angrily.

“Sir, I question this meal choice because my sensors indicate that you are near the maximum weight capacity of the transporter. If your weight exceed the transporters limits you will be disqualified for any planet side missions.”

“DUH. That’s the whole point” the crewman thought to himself. Oddly enough it was Kirk who gave him the idea to eat himself out of a job. Frank ran into the captain in the hallway a couple of week after the mission where Frank lost his friend and he had spent it mourning over a never ending supply of chicken fried steak. In an attempt to bond with the common man on his ship the Captain slapped Frank in the belly, put him in a headlock, and then gave him a noogie while saying “You’re really packing on the pounds Fred.” That was the beginning of the end for Frank.

“I’m on R and R. You are supposed to give me whatever I want.” Frank demanded of the food program.

“My records indicate that you are indeed on rest and relaxation leave, however my programming does not allow me to put the ships mission at risk and the current caloric pace you have been on will keep you from performing your duties. I’m sorry, but I cannot provide you with your request. Can I replicate you a bowl of oatmeal or perhaps a salad?” The voice said as helpful as it could.

Crewman Spence plopped himself back on the bunk and thought. “I am so close to getting drummed out of the security detail. How am I supposed to get there if the dang replicator is keeping track of everything?” He thought of friends that he might be able to go see who might order him a pound or seven of bacon . Then the idea hit him. He knew what to do.

He jumped off the bunk. Pulled the thick red shirt over his belly yet again, yanked his black pants up to cover the crack in his rear, and went out the door.

He made his way down the hall, up the elevator, and went into holodeck fourteen.

“Holodeck. Run program 645.” He announced.

Suddenly the program kicked in and Frank found himself inside a strange building where a young woman with a strange apparatus on her head looked at him and then spoke.

“Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?”

Cover Chameleon

2010-03-30T13:35:00.002-07:00

Today I'd like to discuss the topic of musical covers. For those not hip to the lingo, a cover is when a person or band records a version of a previously published song. The cover song can be a blessing or a curse for the listener and/or the artist. For some artists, the cover defines their careers. Their choice of a cover to introduce them to the world becomes the mountain they can never climb over. (See "Locomotion" from Kylie Minogue and "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany). Of course there is the possibility that was the plan all along and the goal was to cash in using a song that someone already wrote in order to minimize use of any creative muscle. Often time's bands will put out cover albums in order to fulfill some sort of contractual obligation. These albums rarely do anything but give hard core fans something new to listen to from their favorite groups. Artistically they tend to be pretty weak. One particular example is how Guns N Roses faded into oblivion with their cover of favorite punk tunes on "The Spaghetti Incident?". This was a placeholder until Guns N Roses could fulfill the promise of greatness that was the Use Your Illusion album. That promise never came and as fans we are stuck with a cd full of covers of bands that most of us never heard of and nothing so inspiring that would cause the average person to expand their horizons. The truth is that for the most part cover albums are cheap and easy to knock out. Some labels like Cleopatra have made a cottage industry out of putting compilations of covers by artists on their roster.

The main problem is how the artists approach the cover. They usually go in one of two directions. They stay so faithful to the original that they bring nothing new to the song. (See "Lady Marmalade" by some diva supergroup thingy). Why waste your time and effort on a poor imitation? The other way is that they try so hard to put their imprint on the song that they create something so sacrilegious to the original that much wailing and gnashing of teeth ensues. (See Madonna's metaphorical pooping on Don McLean's patriotically painted thumb by bastardizing "American Pie"). Every once in a while, though a cover transcends the original or at least brings something so unique to the table that it deserves to sit alongside the original. Possibly the best example of this is Jimi Hendrix's cover of "All Along The Watchtower". Most people don't realist that this is a cover of a Bob Dylan tune. In reaction to hearing the Hendrix cover of his song, Dylan has said: "It overwhelmed me, really." Dylan has also stated "Strange how when I sing it, I always feel it's a tribute to him in some kind of way." Hendrix had taken this Dylan tune and had turned it into his own. A good cover has the ability to do that.

I now give you a list of five covers that I feel are every bit as awesome as the original

Jane's Addiction's cover of "Sympathy For The Devil" originally by The Rolling Stones

This song was on Jane's Addiction's live album that was put out before their major label debut. The band creates a moody atmosphere with subdued acoustic strings and percussion. This sets the tone for what makes this version so special: Perry Farrel's vocals. When Mick Jagger crooned his version, it was full of raw in your face sexuality and machismo proudly declaring his dark deeds as the deceiver of the world. In this version, Perry Farrel's voice is much more subdued taking on the character of the serpent in the Garden of Eden choosing deception over confrontation. I find this version much more convincing.

Furnace "Hey You" originally by Pink Floyd.

This was from one of Cleopatra's many cover compilations. I bought this because I love Pink Floyd and I was big into industrial music at the time. I'm not sure what my expectations were at the time, but pretty much the whole double album blew (yes there were two discs of terrible covers). The lone exception was this masterpiece by some band called Furnace that I'm not sure did anything other than this. I could do some research to find out, but it doesn't matter because they could never top this. Floyd's album the Wall is #1 on my desert island disc list. It is the album that turned me onto rock and roll and sent me on a musical journey that I have been on ever since, so I am serious when I dare to put this song side by side with the original. The song is about isolation and loneliness. It is a song longing for someone to come and save us. The sparseness of the electronics and the pounding beat take the feelings of isolation to another level. This is truly a cover that understood the theme of the original and took it places that maybe it shouldn't go. The despair that Roger Waters wrote of is palpable here.

Dread Zeppelin "Immigrant Song" originally by Led Zeppelin

"Blasphemy" you say? How could anyone touch Zeppelin's Magnum Opus of Viking adventure, bombastic guitars riffs, and Robert Plants unmistakable howling? What business does a reggae band with an Elvis impersonator front man have messing with the Godfathers of Metal? I can't answer these questions, but I can tell you that Immigrant Song matches well with some funky booty shaking reggae. And it doesn't seem that much of a stretch to go from Robert Plants primal scream to Tortelvis's over the top impersonation of the King. Of course I might be a bit biased because I used to see Dread Zeppelin a couple of time a year in my single days. Hilarious show, but they backed it up with musical chops. You couldn't make Immigrant song so funky if you don't have the musical ability to make it happen. And Dread has it in spades.

The Jimi Hendrix Experience "Sunshine of Your Love" originally by Cream

"Sunshine of your love" blew my mind the first time I heard it. My only real experience with Eric Clapton was "Tears in Heaven". I had no idea why he was "God". Being exposed to Cream and Derek and the Dominoes has helped me to understand why people thought this of him. "Sunshine" blew my mind because it was so heavy. My experience with oldies was the fluff that my parents listened to on Kool 94.5. I had no idea that this type of Rock was going on at the same time the Supremes were singing about their guy. Why is the Hendrix cover on here? It's because they take it to an even heavier plane of existence. I must mention that there are different versions of this cover. I am specifically talking about the version on Live at Winterland. Jimi literally makes his guitar sing. There are no vocals. Hendrix's wailing guitar takes the place of the vocals. The only dark surprise in this song is how freakin' awesome it is.

Elvis Presley "Hound Dog" originally by Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thorton

How could we not include the King and a song that helped start a revolution? This revolution wasn't bloody, but hip gyratingly fantastic. The King took a slow burning bluesy take on a no good scoundrel and turned it into a rockin tune about something, I'm not sure what. His hip shaking performance on the Milton Berle show launched to Old Bitty Committee to launch a campaign to ban the Kings special brand of Rock and Roll fury. Sorry ladies, that train left the tunnel and was barreling down the track to lead us all to the land of Rock and Roll. Even fifty years later the charisma still seeps from the ol TFT display. Sorry Big Mama, but this song belongs to the King of Rock and Roll.

What are some of your favorite or most hated covers?

The Griswold's go to Colorado

2009-08-05T10:03:00.004-07:00

Sometimes even we need to take a break from rolling on the mean streets of Apache Junction. Arizona is H-O-T, and the siren song of Colorado gets to us and we have to answer.

While every vacation has it's "issues", here on the Mean Streets we do it up right. Anyone can go on vacation, it takes a special group of people to turn it into and adventure. And my family has that special talent is spades.

I give you now a comprehensive list of what needs to happen in order to vacation Mean Street style

You start off taking 5 hours to pack when you only planned for 1.
You lose the table you strapped on your camper.
Due to the late start you end up staying in a scary hotel in Holbrook, Az. with drunk crazy people pacing on the sidewalk outside yelling at themselves.
Your 1 year old refuses to sleep.
The road to your camp site was last grated sometime in the 1800's.
Your Father in law breaks a rib and nearly impales himself packing up his gear
Your Sister in law bruises her tailbone jumping off a 40 foot cliff
Your Mother in law hurts her leg slipping in a stream
Your Sons legs look like a dog gnawed on them from the mosquito bites
Your 3 year old Daughter's face swells up from the mosquito bites
Your 1 year old Daughter rolls out of the tent trailer in the middle of the night
Your Nephew gets shot in the neck with an air soft bullet
You spend north of 100 bucks in fishing licenses, bait, and other goodies and bring home 5 trout making it about 20 bucks a trout.
The first lake you go fishing is out of a postcard. The scenery is breathtaking and at any given moment there are about 20 trout jumping in the air and you don't even get a nibble.
Leaving camp you bend the heck out of the back bumper of the trailer
Your Father in law's transmission goes out on the way home
Once at the In-Laws and ready to start the non camping portion of the vacation, you spend the afternoon at Discount Tire replacing a flat
You come across 1 motorcycle accident, 1 SUV accident, and 1 truck accident
While visiting Grandparents, the neighbors shed catches on fire and 4 Fire trucks respond, giving us some fine entertainment that evening.
On the way out of town to come home, your engine blows a spark plug and you have to take it to a Mechanic.
The mechanic never called to say the vehicle was done. We decide to just drive into town just in case and find the mechanic closed, causing us to delay the trip home a second day.
The extra 2 days allow a sore to develop on 1 year old's backside, causing her to scream for the majority of the 9 hour drive.

And the crazy thing is that you take all of these elements and blend them together and you get on of the best vacations we've ever been on.

An Open Letter To Jeff Flake

2009-07-02T13:39:00.004-07:00

Representative Flake,

How's it going? I understand you had a great weekend. I'm sure you heard there was a very special piece of legislation that was voted on this weekend. And from what I hear you are very much against it. Of course you weren't against it enough to show up to vote on it.

I know you had a very important family matter to attend to. Of course this wasn't the normal, run of the mill, screw the tax payer, piece of legislation. This was a whopper. This was a forever change the very fabric of the nation type of legislation. It's too bad you missed it. I bet it was a doozy of a vote. Oh- you caught highlights of it on Fox that night. I'm glad they had cable down there. I'd hate to think you missed all that action.

Of course those of us who you represent would have preferred you be there to, you know, represent us. To be honest, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I would say for you to not be there is a dereliction of duty But what do I know, I'm only a poor working schlub who'll be paying for your absence that day for years to come. But I don't want you to worry about me, the key is that your daughter feels good about her daddy.

Of course I have to wonder how grateful your daughter will be in 20 years when she can't make ends meet and she finds out you could have done your part to stop it, but you decided to show up to an event she barely remembers. It's cool though. I'm a dad too. I know how hard it is to have to miss events because you have to put food on the table. And it's not like you have a break coming up for you to spend time with her....oh wait, I guess you do.

You know what's cool about your job is that you not only represent your daughter, but also my son, my neighbors kids, their neighbors kids and so on. I'm sure it must have been a difficult decision to put your daughters happiness over our kids future. It's a heavy burden you bear being forced to represent us in Washington. Oh wait, you volunteered to represent us. It's too bad we couldn't cast a vote for your daughter this weekend or even better cast a vote against this monstrosity of a bill which is kinda what we wanted you to do, but you were busy.

I know your heart was in the right place. Unfortunately, your brain was in the wrong place. I believe it can be located firmly implanted in your derriere if you need it for anything. The trouble is that this a mess that you and your fellow Republicans helped cause. Your 8 years of screw ups under W allowed the left to come into control of Washington. It's funny because in my house, when we make a mess we clean it up, not take a trip down to Alabama. Maybe we're silly that way.

It sounds like you've let your daughter down a lot in the past. I'm sure that she'll be glad to know that by choosing her pageant over fighting to save the Republic you'll have plenty of time to spend with her after the next primary. I'll do everything I can to make sure that her daddy won't be burdened with all that flying to Washington for silly votes anymore.

What you've obviously forgotten is that to be a US Representative is high calling that comes with difficult responsibilities and even tougher sacrifices. As a working father struggling to make ends meet, I have had to make a lot of sacrifices for my family and yet my son bears no ill will towards me because he knows I'm doing what's best for him. I'm sure you're daughter would have understood as well, given the odious nature of this legislation and the massive impact it will have on all of us. Kids are good that way.

So until we can get someone who remembers this, please try to think about all of us groundlings who have put our trust in you. I hear there's a particularly nasty health care bill working it's way through the system. Let's just hope the vote doesn't fall on the same day as a school play.

Sincerely,

Me.

Cluck You!

2009-06-19T15:30:00.004-07:00

We try to keep things mellow here on the Mean Streets. Crap happens and you roll with it. When you've lived your life in Apache Junction you get used to crap rolling down hill because the trailer park is at the base of the mountain. So it takes a lot to get me riled.

Well my friends, Popeye's Chicken has unleashed the freakin wolverine! I used to love Popeye's chicken. It was spicy, juicy, and flavorful-not unlike your narrator. It was unlike any fried chicken out there. My first experience with Popeye's was as an impressionable young lad on a trip to Washington D.C. It would have been my first love if I hadn't have discovered Atari the year before.

When the chain moved out to the desert, I was one of the first in line to savor the cajun flavor. The only problem was that for some reason the Popeye's were all connected to gas stations and they only took cash. Well my friends, on the Mean Streets, we are a debit card crew so Popeye's wasn't generally an option, plus a Circle K isn't the most relaxing of lunch venues. While it broke my heart, Popeye and I moved our separate ways.

Fast forward several years and Popeye's is on an advertising blitz. They're pimping their 2 piece chicken and a biscuit deal. Well when my lunch appointment bailed and I had cash in my pocket, I knew the time was right to renew the relationship.

The day turned even better when I pulled up and they were advertising 2 PIECES FOR A FREAKIN' DOLLAR. My jaw almost hit the floorboard of the ol Crown Vic. If there is one thing we love more than doughy, grease filled poultry, it's doughy, grease filled poultry at a screaming price. If only I knew the horror to come.

I paid my cash (and noticed they are taking cards so things were getting better by the moment) and waited for my turn to be served. They dumped a fresh load (again just like me) of the spicy chicken so I knew I was getting the cream of the crop.

All I can say after pulling out the first piece is that the cream has spoiled. It was small, cooked beyond the jerky state, and worst of all the skin had all the flavor of cardboard dipped in school paste.

In order to put it into perspective, I basically paid 50 cents for a piece of regular sized chicken and felt completely ripped off! I pay that much for a stinkin hot wing which is half of the smallest piece of the chicken. Here I'm getting a full thigh and I wanted to drive back and demand my dollar bill back.

Popeye, all I can say is you should stick with spinach and I'll get religion and go back to Church's.

Ode to The Generic

2009-06-12T15:46:00.007-07:00

When you're rollin on the Mean Streets of Apache Junction, sometime the spigot on the ol cash flow gets turned off and we are resorted to scrimping by.

I know what you're thinking: "Poor boy. Maybe you should have thought about that before dropping 20 bucks on a 12 pack of Maiden tunes on Rock Band." [Excellent by the way!-ed]

Well my friends I'm not here to lament my situation. No we keep it positive here in the Trailer Park Kingdom. I'm here to extol the virtues of a discovery. A discovery that would not have happened had the ducketts not become scarce. A discovery so wonderful, so delicious, that the mere thought of it makes me want to put down these Vienna sausages and run down to the local Wal-Mart and pick me up some.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about Wal-Mart's generic beef stew! BEHOLD:

Previous to this I have been a beef stew snob. My parents were raised on Dinty Moore. Their parents were raised on Dinty Moore, and by golly my son was going to be raised on Dinty Moore. There would be no other Beef Stew brought before me-ever.

That was until my trip down to the ol pueblo aka Mexico. I didn't want to pick up some nasty illness that would cause me to spend more time on the pot* than on the beach soaking up the sun so I had to bring my food down. One bad tamale wasn't going to ruin this guys vacation. So I wanted to load up on the beef stew. Well since I had a wife and kid to feed and both require other groceries because they are not man enough for Dinty Moore, I was forced to sacrifice 10 generations of family beef stew tradition so they can eat.

Yes even the Mean Streets can show compassion from time to time.

So I swallowed my family pride and picked up the Great Value beef stew. And friends, I've been glad I did ever since.

How do I describe the indescribable? I can say the beef was tender, the potatoes few, carrots cooked to perfection, but best of all the sauce. It was less a stew and more a gravy. If I had to describe it in three words they would be: Thick, Rich, Delicious,, Velvety, Meaty, and Lipsmacking. It was beyond human comprehension.

It like how when stars go super nova and then collapse in on themselves. They become the size of a marble but weigh trillions of tons. How do they pack that much flavor in a single can. To quote the great Sicilian Vizzini "That's Inconceivable!"

It shaken my culinary world to it's core. I'm now wondering how well the Great Value Luncheon meat tastes. Though I swore there would be no other pressed pork product stored in gelatin than SPAM eaten in my house, the taste buds contemplate revolt.

*If your name is Shadow, this kind of pot refers to a toilet.

Phoenix Arizona Tea Party Report

2009-04-16T02:55:00.009-07:00

Well I rolled into the P Town after a grueling day of selling stuff and decided to join my fellow right wing extremists at the Tea Party. By the time I got there the crowd was already large. By 6 PM the crowd was at around 6000 domestic "troublemakers" withe the final headcount between 10k-15k at it's peak. This was supposedly the largest political rally in Phoenix history.

The primary organizer for the event was the local conservative talk station 550 KFYI. I was hoping to get to see The Nearly Famous Barry Young, but either he didn't speak or he spoke before I arrived. The speakers consisted of a mix of local politicians, conservative community activists, and radio personalities. The mix was nice because it wasn't just straight republicans. There was a democrat who is fighting against property taxes, a former Libertarian party candidate for governor (who was my favorite speaker of the night), you had your Ron Paul supporters, and the head of the Arizona Fair Tax group spoke.

The crowd itself was also a nice mix of young and old. I saw people representing just about every party outside of the left. The crowd was fired up and it was fun to be a part of the whole protest.

The set up of the protest was lacking somewhat. The Tea Party was held at the State Capital on the lawn out front of the copper dome. KFYI set up a stage, but it was not raised very high, so you couldn't see any of the speakers and worse you couldn't hear them because of the poor sound system set up. I don't know if they weren't prepared for the turnout they got. I did eventually work my way up close to the front using techniques I've mastered from attending way too many metal concerts. Once I was close enough I could hear and see fine.

I was glad I went. It got me thinking about getting more involved. I talked to a Republican party official who was advertising about getting people to become Precinct Committeemen. While I no longer consider myself a Republican and would be a member of the Constitution Party if it was recognized as an official party in Az, the thought intrigues me. Apparently most of the slots are open so there are few true conservatives fighting the scourge of moderates that have plagued the Republican Party. It might be a way to make more of an impact than my protest vote every election.

I didn't have a way to take good notes, but here were some of my favorite quotes, which won't be exact but you get the gist:

The Tree of Liberty must be watered with the blood of patriots and tyrants-Thomas Jefferson. The speaker followed up with a comment about how anxious we must be knowing it is time to do the watering or something like that,

"I would remind you that extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice! And let me remind you also that moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue."-Barry Goldwater

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom." - Adrian Rogers

"The founding fathers knew that the First Amendment was the most important which is why they put it at the top. They placed the second amendment there as a backup if the government should fail the first." I don't know who said it and it is a poor paraphrase.

Woud the real Transformers: The Movie stand up?

2009-04-14T22:57:00.002-07:00

What constitutes a classic movie? In my mind there are two types of classics. You have the movies that are critically acclaimed and receive thoughtful praise by those who consider themselves experts in the area of cinema. Then there is the other type of classic is one much more personal. These movies rarely receive the praise they deserve by gatekeepers of fine art, but nonetheless touch people and become one of those binding threads among friends.

I’m here today to offer a tribute to one of my personal classics. A film that should have been a landmark in modern animation, but through poor marketing and even poorer box office returns, got tossed aside into the dustbin of failed sure fire hits. I’m speaking of the 1986 animated film The Transformers: The movie.

The colossal failure of this movie still puzzles me to this day. There are few men I know from my generation that don’t think of this movie fondly. This should have been a hit based alone on the built in market. Perhaps that was its doom. Boys of my generation lived during the golden age of after school cartoons. Unlike my parents that had some cartoons on the weekend and my son who has access to non-stop cartoons around the clock via Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, and the Internet, we were only able to get our action fix for a glorious period of a few hours after school. Saturday morning cartoons were a plus but they did not match the power packed combination of such classics as He-Man, G.I. Joe, Thundercats, and of coarse Transformers. Now our parents knew these were just half-hour long commercials for the much more lucrative toys. Perhaps the thought that our regular fix of cartoons nearly broke the bank come birthday and Christmas time and the thought of what an 84-minute dose of pure Transformer fury would do their pocketbook was too much to bear. It’s that or the movie company and the general viewing public had their heads up their collective rears. You be the judge.

What made this movie special is that it there was no reason to believe that something special was about to be unleashed. The Transformers like all of our favorite afternoon cartoons had shoddy animation, decent but not great acting and each episode followed the same basic premise of the bad guys come up with a new plan to vanquish the good guys and take over whatever it is they are after, the good guys foil the plan, and then the bad guys run away cursing the good guys and vowing revenge. No one ever dies and the good guys always win. That all changed with this movie. While The Transformer: The movie did introduce a new set of characters, this movie never felt like a commercial. The characters all had depth and soul. Yes I am talking about giant transforming robots. This movie also introduced real gravity to the situation by introducing death of beloved characters into the equation. This was heavy stuff for a kid.

At this point I should probably provide a synopsis of the story. I could but I won’t. The plot is a little too complicated to summarize in just a few sentences. If you want to read a synopsis, I suggest going to this page on IMDB.com. This is the key to what made the film so great. The story went much deeper than normal cartoon affair. You had near annihilation of the Autobot race, you had the unwilling the hated Megatron making a Faustian deal to save his own life, and you had the giant planet eating robot who was the main enemy yet how do you defeat what is essentially a force of nature?

Now I mentioned how serious this movie was. Yes there was some light hearted moments usually involving the Dinobots (who I still detest), but over all the tone of the film is way darker than anything that has preceded it and most that have followed. I knew that I was in for a ride when in the very beginning of the movie when Megatron and his minions hijack an Autobot ship and kill everyone on board. When one autobot that still has some life in him reaches out for Megatron’s leg and begs for mercy for his fellow Autobots, Megatron’s response still send shudders down my spine. He looks down at the fallen robot and says with a sneer “Such heroic nonsense” and then blast him at close range with his blaster. Are you kidding me? I had never witnessed anything so murderous in my life. And then they kill the one character that I never in a million years would have been killed: Optimus Prime. This would have been like killing John Wayne off in the first ten minutes of True Grit. I could see some of the minor characters getting knocked off, but you just don’t mess with Optimus Prime. Well they did. You watched the journey of Hot Rod as he leaves his childish ways and accepts his destiny as the chosen leader of the Autobots and the devastation as Utlra Magnus who wants to save his people but can’t because he is not the prophesied leader. You see Megatron make a deal with devil and how he chafes under the rule of someone else. These were serious story lines, much more serious than what we usually followed.

Much like how Big Trouble in Little China (another personal classic) tried to introduce main stream American audiences to the Hong Kong style of martial arts films, The Transformers: The Movie introduced main stream America to Japanese animation. This was better looking than any other American cartoon at the time. The care and work that went into the film is on display throughout. This aspect of it alone should make The Transformers: The Movie more than just a personal classic.

A movie just isn’t complete without a soundtrack that fits what’s going on in the movie. The Transformers: The Movie’s soundtrack is no exception. Nearly every song fits as if it was made for this film with the only real clunker being Weird Al’s “Dare To Be Stupid”. There isn’t a fan of this movie that doesn’t have the specific scenes play out in his head when he hears Stan Bush sing “You got the touch” or think that he could save the universe too as long as Stan keep on crooning “Dare to keep all your dreams alive!”.

In case you haven’t figured out I love this movie. And if you are pondering actually dusting off the only copy at the local video store and giving it a spin, consider this: It has a great story, great acting, great animation, and great animation, and for a cartoon 23 years old it still holds up. Plus there’s a cuss word in it, which made it feel so rebellious to us youngsters.

I recommend it not only for the nostalgia, but because it deserves a bigger audience and to take it’s proper place in the realm of sci-fi classics.

How The Mean Streets Roll

2009-03-19T14:17:00.008-07:00

I remember reading about some swank Japanese hotel where they had heated toilet seats. Now that might sound a bit extravagant and over the top, but let me tell you, you don't have to fly across the Pacific to enjoy that kind of luxury. Here on the Mean Streets of Apache Junction we live the high life too and best of all my friends, it's free.

I'm sure you're saying to yourself "This is impossible. Apache Junction is the trailer park capital of the southwest". I can tell you it is possible because we do it everyday. In fact I experienced the height of such opulence just today.

I ran down to the Wal-Mart to pick up some power bait and smoked oysters. Well all of a sudden I started to feel something big brewing. I guess the Double-Double Animal Style I put IN last night was wanting to come OUT today. Well I made a bee line for the restroom.

Of course I headed for the handicapped stall. I'm not crippled or anything, but here on the Mean Streets we appreciate the extra legroom that the handicapped affords. Well as I was about to open the door, it was swung wide by a extremely large gentleman rolling on his Rascal scooter. We both nodded to each other in appreciation of the perfect toilet timing where the poop baton is handed off seamlessly.

Well my friends when I sat down, the seat was toasty warm and I was able to complete the transaction I started yesterday at the IN-N-OUT. And let me tell you, warm toilet seats are a luxury that is worth every penny. The only downside I would say is trying to hold your breath long enough for oxygen to penetrate the lingering methane cloud.

Lyrics and Listening

2009-03-12T12:17:00.008-07:00

We love us some heavy metal here on the Mean Streets. Over the last year I've really gotten into Symphonic Metal. I could go into detail on what Symphonic Metal is, but that is what Wikipedia is for, so don't waste my time asking. When I'm rocking out, I don't have time to fiddle fart around.

Anywho, I always find it interesting how different what I hear when in the lyrics versus what is being said in actuality. Usually I'm way off, and today's example is no different. I guess I rocked out too hard when I was younger and killed off to many cells in my ears and brain.

Yesterday I looked up the lyrics to the song Paramount by the excellent German Symphonic Metal band Edenbridge. When she is singing the words "You're Paramount" I heard something completely different. I mean I wasn't even close. I heard lyrics that were kind of a downer, but ended up being very positive.

Well I liked the lyrics so much I thought I would share them. You see even The Mean Streets have a soft spot for a metalriffic love song.

Here they are straight from the Edenbridge website

WHEN VOICES TRAIL AWAY
INTO SILENCE GONE
IMPASSIONED I MAY STRAY

BOUNDLESS AND PRISTINE
THE MIRACLE UNSEEN
THE WINDOWS OF THE SOUL CAUGHT INBETWEEN

(PRE-CHORUS)
WONDER
HOME FREE I AM
COME CLOSER TO MY HEARTBEAT
AND KISS MY TEARS AWAY
NOT ONCE IN A BLUE MOON

(CHORUS)
DON´T TURN AWAY
BEYOND MY DREAM
YOU´RE PARAMOUNT TO ANYTHING
YOU HAVE THE MIDAS TOUCH TO SAVE INFINITY
COME RAIN OR SHINE
FOREVER MINE
YOU´RE PARAMOUNT IN YOUR DESIGN
A HOPE OF STARDUST LEFT IN TIME

MY PASSIONS RUNNING HIGH
GOING ROUND THE BEND
MIRAGES MYSTIFY

ONE TIME WE GAVE OUR VOW
THE TIME TO KEEP IS NOW
SO SAY GOODBYE TO “HOLIER-THAN-THOU”

(PRE-CHORUS)
(CHORUS)

ONE HOPE
ONE FATE
ONE LIFE
AWAIT

(CHORUS)

I LIVE AND I BREATHE YOU
SO COME TO ALLURE ME BY AND BY
I FEEL AND I FOLLOW YOU
CAUSE YOU DON´T LEAVE ME HIGHLAND DRY

I'm not sure what Highland Dry is, but boy am I glad that the dude didn't leave her there.

2009-03-11T15:56:00.004-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I give you the greatest video of all time. I could go into detail on why, but if you are too dense to understand the video's awesomeness, then you are not worthy to hang out on the mean streets of Apache Juntion.

If you still need some clues as to what makes a video awesome, here are some keys:

Wailing Vocals-Check
Magic Flute-Check
Belly Dancer-Check
Swirling Blue Smoke-Double Check
Midevil Groupies-Oh Yeah
Faux Hawk-Unfortunately, yes but the dude rockin the keyboard makes up for the downgrade in hair style.
Bald Lady with moving tattoos-Fetchin' A!

For Brook

2009-02-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

Year in Review

2008-12-18T13:05:00.001-07:00

To our friends and family:

It’s hard to believe the 2008 is almost over. This year has gone by so fast. It’s amazing how so much can change in what seems the blink of an eye. 2008 seemed like an uneventful year but in looking back there were some awesome things that happened.

Our family continues to be involved in foster care. This year our Itty Bitty, Brittany was successfully reunited with her father. While it’s always good to see the parents step up and get their life straight, it always hurts when you lose children that you’ve opened up your heart to and have taken care of for so long. Brittany was such an awesome little girl who blossomed in our home and it was tough to say goodbye. However like it happens so many times, when one door closes, the Lord opens another. We welcomed into our home a brand new baby girl in the spring. We got her straight from the hospital, since she didn’t have a name when we got her, we nick named her Hannah. She is the happiest baby I’ve seen since our Ty Ty was little. She is just the best baby. And the good news is that there is a very real chance that we will get to make her a permanent part of our family and adopt her. So please keep us in your prayers that she is able to join our family.

A few moths later we got a call to take care of a couple of sisters, Sariah and Fantasia who were 2 ½ and 1 ½. Of course we said yes. They’ve been a treat to have. Sariah is always smiling and singing, while Fantasia is always doing the cutest little dance. About a month ago CPS called again and said, “Hey, The girls just had a baby brother born, will you take him?” Brook was wise in not asking me, and she of course said yes. So now we also have a little baby boy named Roosevelt. I call him Rosy after Rosy Grier and Brook calls him RJ (Roosevelt Junior).

So for those keeping track, we now at the time this letter is being written have an 8 year old, a 3 year old, almost 2 year old, a 9 month old, and a one month old. Brook and I actually took our little troop on a trip to Colorado for Thanksgiving. You haven’t lived until you’ve taken a 9 hour drive with 5 kids.

The only adventure we took this year was a trip to Grand Junction, which meant me facing my fear and drive on the million dollar highway through Silverton and Ouray. It really wasn’t so bad if you keep your eyes closed. Tightly. And think of something pleasant and distracting, like fried cheese.

I would say though the biggest news of they year is that Tyler turned 8 and decided to be baptized. We are so proud of him. He continues to grow and become everything we ever wanted in a son. He is smart, funny, and most of all he has the biggest heart of any child I’ve ever known. He is the perfect big brother for the parade of children that come through our house. He loves them all.

I can’t close this letter without expressing our love for our Savior Jesus Christ. It’s his love and watchful eye that has got us through the rough spots the last couple of years. We have a testimony of His mission and His Gospel. We are so grateful that he was willing to come down and be born. Let us take some time this Christmas season and ponder how wonderful it is to have a personal Savior.

We love you all and wish all the best.

Sincerely,

The Thomas Family

Welcome to the U.S.S.A.

2008-11-07T08:18:00.002-07:00

I spent election day hunting whitetail in beautiful Missouri with my best friend. As we would periodically listen to the results, the realization came to me that we must be the dumbest country on the face of the planet. God gave us this great gift and we have rejected it completely so that those without can take from those that do.

It's as if the Democratic Party and the Media created a Golden Calf and the country dropped everything to worship it.

In fact I think we should replace the Eagle as the symbol of this once proud country to a fat cow with a ring in its nose.

Why FanBoys despise the mainstream.

2008-07-23T17:17:00.008-07:00

First I would like to say that The Dark Knight was a phenomenal movie. Everything that has been said about the film and the performances are absolutely true. While the feelings are still fresh, I'm of the thought that this might surpass Unbreakable as my favorite comic book film of all time. Maybe. This screed isn't against the film.

The last week was an exercise in futility as I tried to experience this film in the Imax theater here in town. I decided last night to see it in a regular theater after 4 attempts for the Imax viewing were foiled by computer glitches, theater worker error, craigs list, and thousands of mainstream fans who came to gawk at the final acting performance of a B level actor. I would like everyone to understand that while The Dark Knight is a great movie and Heath Ledgers performance as The Joker is legendary, this movie would not open this big without his death. Period. End of Story. Would anyone be talking about Oscar nominations for him if he was alive? It's Batman for heavens sake. It's not Star Wars. This movie grossed more in it's first weekend than Batman Begins did in it's entire run.

The opening this movie received does not equal its standing in the fan boy universe, at least not mine. I was blocked from seeing this movie by thousands of people who truly don't give a crap about these types of movies generally. They only show up for events.

I'm upset because Fanboys are the ones that keep these movies going. Without Fanboys constantly debating and demanding better The Dark Knight would look like this:

The reason the quality of genre movies has increased is because we finally have FanBoys in the directors seat. It's a great time to be a movie fan, except when "The Movie of the Year" comes out, then you get pushed to the side by husbands and wives who saw the last Batman for the first time on TNT last night so they can get, you know, caught up on the story and stuff.

Where were these idiots last week at Hellboy2? Why didn't they support The Chronicles of Riddick so I can see the rest of the story? Heck, where were they for Batman Begins? How many of them saw the Watchmen trailer and didn't think twice about it? Pretty much all of them because they don't care that it was Batman and the Joker, they only care that they don't want to get left out of the water cooler talk. The fact that no one was in the regular screening of the movie only drives this point home. I can imagine this conversation happening in cubicle across the nation this week:

Poser 1: Did you see The Batman this weekend?

Poser 2: Yeah it was totally rad! The Brokeback dude was stupendous as the Joker.

Poser 1: Well I saw it at the Imax, the way that movies are meant to be seen.

Poser 2: Bitchin!

I think I should write my congressman and demand a law that says that if you didn't pay to see 3 sci-fi and/or superhero movies in the last 6 months you can't go opening weekend. I mean Congress isn't doing anything else of value at the moment.

To sum it up:

The Dark Knight-Awesome

Heath Ledger as the Joker-Awesome

The Jokers disappearing pencil trick-Triple Awesome

Batmans's sore throat-Not so good

The 700 Yuppie couples that banished me to the regular theatre-You suck goat testicles!

Lost Chapter from Stranger in a Strange Land

2008-06-24T16:54:00.003-07:00

“Because it’s fun!” Jubal expounded.

Mike had not yet grokked the concept of fun. He was bewildered at the amount of effort that this race devoted to entertainment. As a nestling his sole concern was surviving the harsh Martian landscape. Once he was admitted into the nest what free time he had after doing the Old One’s bidding and cleaning the nest of his water brother’s excretions was spent grokking the fullness of the universe. The idea of a fair baffled him as Martians had no such events.

“Oh Mike, it’s a wonderful place full of rides and games and sweet cotton candy.” Jill squealed.

Mike digested Jill’s comment and did not grok sweetness. When he ate his first shirt whose primary material was cotton the primary sensation was not one of sweetness.

Duke threw in his two cents: “I hear this fair has a naked lady completely covered in tattoo’s from the neck down. And the only thing covering her is a big ol snake. Yowza.”

“Duke, he doesn’t need to see that!” Jill reprimanded him. “Mike you just need to try the food. It’s a wonderland of stick mounted edibles. You'll then see how wonderful that carnival is.” She added.

“It will be good for you to get out and see some of the real world and meet some people other than this crusty old goat and my three lazy assistants.” Jubal said.

“Front!” Jubal bellowed.

Dorcas came running in still dripping from the pool with the steno device. “Yes, boss. What’s up?”

“Take this down,” Jubal Commanded. “New hit show for the networks titled ‘Cletus: The Early Years. No, strike that. Title it: ‘…But you can’t take the Hill out of Billy’. It will be about the amusing adventures of a hillbilly boy taken from the backwoods of Kentucky, who has never met anyone other than his family, and dropped into New York City.”

“Boss that sounds an awful lot like the Beverly Hillbilly’s” Dorcas pointed out.

Jubal looked at Mike and thought for a minute. He then announced: “What makes this fish out of water story different is it will break all sorts of societal taboos”

Duke wondered what kind of societal taboos that an inbred hillbilly would break and if they needed breaking.

Jubal continued to ponder out loud. “It’s still missing something. What is it? I got it! Cletus has two heads and an old Winnebago. It’s genius! Put out feelers to the networks and get a bidding war going.”

“Now lets gat back to the fair, Mike.” Jubal said.

“We’re going to the fair?” Dorcas asked with delight.

“Not unless I decide that you and your two accomplices stay here and get some work done for once.” Jubal chided her.

“Oh come on you old fuddy duddy. I’m going to go get the girls and get dressed. There’s a big ol pickle on a stick calling my name” Dorcas said.

Both Jubal and Duke thought of particularly inappropriate responses to the pickle reference while Mike attempted to grok the brining process.

“Duke, bring the hover car around. Jill, find Mike some clothes that will somewhat hide his identity. I don’t mind him getting pick pocketed at the fair, but if they realize that The Man From Mars was there he’d be mobbed by hordes of fairgoers wanting to see someone famous and dozens of unbathed carnies looking to hock their wares.” Jubal commanded.

Duke landed the Hover Car carefully avoiding Jubal’s roses. He had made that mistake only once. Jubal, Mike, Jill, Dorcas, and Jubal’s other two secretaries Anne and Miriam loaded into the hover car. There was a sense of excitement in the air as Jubal Harshaw did not take flights of fancy like this very often. The conversation drifted back and forth between what skewered food would be devoured and what ride they would take.

The Man From Mars marveled at the varied landscape of this planet. He saw great beauty in all the things his eyes took in. He was considering going into one of his trances to grok this landscape when his waterbrother Jubal spoke to him.

“Now listen Son. There will be people there willing to offer you water in a variety of flavors. Don’t partake. They are dirty carnie folk that want to make a quick buck. They know nothing of water sharing and would take advantage should they ever know what water sharing meant. Plus they wash their underwear in the lemonade water.” Jubal instructed Mike. “If you don’t grok just ask Jill or I what to do.” He added.

“Thank you Jubal. My water is your water.” Mike replied.

The Hover Car landed at the Fair and the group unloaded. They quickly entered the fair and split up with Jill staying close to Mikes side. They walked up to the softball toss. Mike saw that the circumference of the softball was large enough to prohibit any throw to go into the large metal milk containers unless it arrived in a very specific trajectory and grokked that this is wrongness and made the containers disappear. The carnie operating the booth started screaming at Mike and Jill deciding someone had to be blamed over his milk cartons and he was dang sure it wasn’t going to be him. He suddenly found himself in a cloudy place standing next to his milk cans.

Jubal wandered over to the food trailers and decided that his sweet tooth needed to be satiated. He ordered a deep fried Snickers bar. As he bit into it, he was overcome with the need to express his feelings in poetry.

“Front.” He yelled and Anne came up behind him

“Yes sir.” She said.

“Are you ready to dictate?” He asked.

“Always sir” Anne replied.

Jubal cleared his throat. “It’s a poem that we’ll sell to Harper’s. “

“Dark lava flowing down.
Snow sprinkled over hearts delight
The nuts of my love mingled in joy
Damn the molten nougat
Damn the molten nougat”

“That’s great boss, but is that Harpers materiel?” She asked.

“Good point Anne. It’s too good for that rag. Call up my buddy Bruce at Rampant Loon and see if he wants it.” Jubal replied.

Meanwhile Miriam had grabbed Mike and wanted to take him on the Gravitron. The line had been long which had bothered Miriam, but not Mike. She knew that he had patience greater than any person she had ever known. They loaded up and the ride started to spin. Mike grokked the machine and realized the machines capabilities. He wanted to make Miriam happy and began to spin the machine faster and faster. Not understanding the difference in screams of joy and screams of pain he continued building G Forces until eye balls started bursting and blood started flowing from the various orifices of his fellow riders.

Mike sensed injury in Miriam and healed her.

Miriam told Mike “We need to get out of here and fast. Let’s go find Jubal.”

As soon as the ride was over, they bolted out and past a fat sweaty carnival manager who was passing out carnival bucks to the bloodied patrons.

“Remember all rides are at your own risk. The signs are posted everywhere. You can’t sue us.” He barked out to no one in general.

Miriam and Mike ran to the food trailers and found Jubal chowing down on some Jamaican jerked platypus on a stick.
“Mike my boy! Come on over and lets eat. It’s time you expanded your culinary universe.” Jubal yelled out.

The variation of food was another part of this planet that Mike had not yet grokked in fullness. Eating was viewed as a necessity on his planet, and other than the joy they received from grokking a waterbrother that had discorporated, there was little happiness to found in partaking of the rectal excretions of the Nest Provider.

“I think we are going to start out slow. I don’t think you are ready for stick based carnival food, so we will start with a nice plate of fish and chips.

This excited Mike to no end. He had read of these amazing creatures that lived in the water and was sure that they were his waterbrothers as well and would relish partaking of their flesh.

Jubal placed a large mound of fried fish in front of Mike. Mike ravenously ate the deep fried filets. He did not grok these waterbrothers in fullness yet.

“Might I have more, a lot more?” Mike asked.

“You can have as much as you want.” Jubal laughed.

Plate after plate of the fish was placed in front of Mike who ate every last morsel until a funny feeling filled his stomach.

He looked at the huge pile of empty plates and realized that he had achieved fullness and felt he could discorporate at any moment from the sheer joy of it.

“I finally Grok. Thou art Cod.”

The Bat and The Baldy

2008-06-19T21:56:00.003-07:00

There’s been a lot of pondering lately on the relationship between Metropolis’ resident genius billionaire, Lex Luthor, and the prince of Gotham, Bruce Wayne. The truth is that there is a connection. Their histories intersect at a particular point in the not too distant past.

They say that most heroes and their arch villains start off as friends. This story is no different.

Some years ago both men were young captains of industry, swashbuckling their way into massive sums of money. They were handsome men, their hair and clothes always impeccable. Bruce Wayne took his fathers fortune and turned it into several fortunes and Lex Luthor took his gift of genius intellect and took the Gotham Stock Exchange by storm, building up and selling off company after company.

It is though these activities that these two became friends. A billionaire has particular stresses that even millionaires can’t fathom. It’s only natural that they gravitate towards each other. They spent many nights cruising the Gotham nightlife together. Of the two, only Bruce harbored a secret so big that even his best friend couldn’t know about it. It was a dark winged secret.

While Bruce maintained an even keel even in the wildest of social circumstances, Lex on the other hand had let his intellectual superiority and business acumen swell his already large ego. It was his disregard for those that he felt were beneath him, which included pretty much the entire population of Gotham with the exception of one man that led to his descent into madness.

On that fateful Friday afternoon, Lex knew that him and Bruce had a long weekend of carousing ahead and wanted to get his hair trimmed to look good for their intended prey. The barber did and adequate job. He was quick and efficient and even Lex admitted to himself that it looked good. However despite his vast fortune, he was a notorious non-tipper, feeling that should they want a tip, they should build it into the price of the service. No one tips him so why should he bother tipping other. He thought it to be a notch above those hoodlums that play that awful folk music down in the park begging for change.

What Lex didn’t know is that he was the 4th person today, the 22nd this week, the 115th, and the 3468th person to refuse to tip in Wally Jergin’s completely mediocre career as a barber. This also happened to be Wally’s breaking point. He shut his shop down and immediately began to formulate the plan that had been festering in his skull all these years.

When Bruce got home that afternoon his butler, Alfred, informed him that according to the local news his friend, Lex Luthor, had been kidnapped by some lunatic calling himself The Follicle. Bruce immediately went down to his secret lair and suited up for another mission.

His superior detective skills soon led him to an abandoned beauty supply warehouse. He jumped down from a roof window landing near The Follicle. Lex Luthor strapped to a barbers chair, and an assortment of evil minions. Bruce briefly wondered to himself where all these minions always come from. Maybe there is a temp agency that farms them out he thought.

“Don’t come any closer Batman. Ol’ Lexy hear has got himself stuck in a hairy situation,” The Follicle announced followed by his best evil cackle. It was a little higher pitched and lacked the menace that Wally had hoped for, but he figured this was a work in progress.

“Let him go. You can’t just kidnap innocent billionaires” Batman replied.

“Oh really? He gets to sit up in his ivory tower with all of his rich buddies, while us lowly slaves waste our life serving him and his ilk, hoping that he might spare just a few crumbs of his bounty with us. But no, he chooses to deny us our hard earned money. Well no more, my winged nemesis.” Wally said. With that he grabs a large bottle the size and approximate shape of a 2 liter of soda and lifts it up. “With the formula that I created, I will get my revenge upon the uncaring men and women of Gotham City. I will dump this into the local water supply causing every man, woman, child, and animal to go bald. No one will ever stiff me again because they won’t need to worry about getting their hair cut ever again. The narcissistic prideful fools so full of bluster will become sheepish wimps ready for subjugation. Muwahahahahaha” Wally was much more satisfied with that evil laugh. He was surprised to find that he quite enjoyed that monologue even though confessing his plan probably wasn’t the wisest thing after all, he isn’t the first bizarre bad guy that Batman’s gone up again. He wondered if other villains ever did the same thing.

Lex started laughing. “That’s it? Your plan is to make Gotham go bald? That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I can’t believe I got kidnapped for that. Someone of my stature deserves a better villain than this guy.” He said.

“Shut Up! It is not stupid. This will bring me revenge,” Wally screamed.

Suddenly Batman attacked. He tore through the minions and ended up in an epic struggle with The Follicle. He desperately tried to wrestle the bottle away with out breaking it. It was during this struggle that the unthinkable happened. The bottle flew out of their hands and flew through the air and landed on a still tied up Lex Luthor who was unable to stop it. The bottle broke on top of his head and its entire contents spilled down over him causing his hair to fall out immediately. The scream he bellowed out in horror could be heard for miles.

Batman subdued the villain, dispatched his henchmen and disappeared as quickly as he appeared leaving Lex to hold down the fort until the police could arrive and take The Follicle to Arkham asylum.

His hate for Batman began to burn with a white-hot passion. He would destroy Batman for what he had done to him. But how, he wondered, and slowly he began to realize that any plan he could think of required him to go out into the public, where his pride and huge ego would never let him go. How could he been seen like this, a hairless freak? And then he began to see the genius of Wally Jergin’s plan. He would have to leave Gotham and take his fury out on some other do-gooder. His pride would allow nothing less.

And then he remembered overhearing a conversation on a street corner waiting for his limo to pick him up. He remembered the two men talking about a new super hero appearing in Metropolis and saving some new reporter from a crashed helicopter. Metropolis would be ideal. No one there knows me there other than by reputation.

What did they call that superhero he wondered? Then he remembered. Lex said the name out loud. “Superman”. He would be the surrogate for the pain that I wish to inflict upon Batman. He would miss his friend Bruce Wayne, but in Lex’s mind he was no longer his equal and not worthy of his friendship.

“Metropolis and Superman’s death it is”

This Weekend

2008-06-16T10:44:00.006-07:00

Weird thing happened this weekend. My wife became a bigger RockBand freak than I am. If you knew my wife, you would know this is a strange but awesome development. SHe has been wary of every video game system I've brought home regardless of the fact that the PS2 got played maybe 4 times and ended up used as a DVD player and the Xbox I finally brought home got played even less. We know plenty of couples that video games become a serious issue because of the time spent playing instead of time with the family.

This is great because now I can play and my wife is cool with it because she's throwing down as well. Plus she rocks at it. She scored the first 100% I've seen on vocals Saturday night. I even got her to sing some Iron Maiden and Judas Priest. It was so frickin sweet.

As far as the music front goes, this weeks album is Lacuna Coil's Karmacode. Absolutely killer album. Heavy, heavy music with a dual threat on vocals with the hardest rocking woman in all of metal, Christina Scabia, who is complemented by Andrea Ferro, who is a dude, but they are italian, and in Italy you can have a chicks name and still kick arse.

Schools out, The Friday Challenge is in

2008-06-12T16:57:00.004-07:00

I’ll share two experiences that have underlining morals that defined my completely average academic career and set a course for my life.

It was the last class of another boring 7th grade day. The class was choir. I'm not sure why I took choir because I have no musical ability whatsoever, but I enjoyed singing and the teacher was cool. I mean you didn't get to warm up to James Brown in Geometry.

I knew that the year was ending soon and we weren’t doing much in the class that day so I asked the teacher if I could go clean out my locker. I was pleasantly surprised that she said yes. I spent most of the period digging out my locker.

Soon the bell rang and the day was over. It wasn't till I was on the bus for the ride home that I learned that that was the last day of school. I had no idea. I was completely oblivious to that fact. If I didn't feel like goofing off that day I would have lost all of my crap that I had stored in my locker all year.

What did I learn from this near miss? Sometimes it pays to goof off.

Story number two is my favorite finals story. In my 10th grade history class we were given our choice of finals to take. A single question essay test which was basically what did we cover this year?, a 10 question essay test, and a 100 question multiple choice test.

Well I figured the 10 question essay test was the way to go. It would be much easier to fudge my way through since I never did homework and never studied. Most of the class took the 100 question test, but there were a few others that took the 10 question option. No one was dumb enough to try the 1 question test. Although the cajones it would take to accept that challenge probably would have garnered at least a B on principle alone.

Well I slammed my way through the test making sure my answers were long and wordy. I knew the answers thanks to my magical lazy ability to remember from listening in class relieving me of the chore of note taking and studying. I figured since it was an essay test, I should make it an essay. The paragraphs were all fluff with a kernel of truth in the middle.

Of course I was done with it by the time class was half over. The teacher skimmed it over and gave me an A+. When the girl sitting in front of me turned hers in with tiny one and two sentence answers she got a B. When she asked why she got a B and I got an A+, the teachers reply was what makes this story a classic in my book. The teacher looked up at the girl and said “Did you see the size of his answers?”

What’s the moral of this story? A strong ability to BS will pave the way to success.

And this, my friends, is why I ended up a sales person.

This weeks Friday Challenge Entry: CLASSIFIED

2008-05-22T15:40:00.001-07:00

Hopefully this works. Here is a link to a download of my entry.

The Friday Challenge

2008-05-15T09:57:00.003-07:00

Here is my entry for the most anticipated contest of the week. THE FRIDAY CHALLENGE

This is to the tune of Don McLean's awesome song American Pie. My apologies to him, his family, and fans.

A long, long time ago... I can still remember how
That Elmo used to make me smile.
And I knew if he had a chance,
That he could make my children dance,
And maybe they'd be happy for a while.

But February 17th made me mad,
Thinking of the channels that I had,
Bad news on the airwaves...
I wasn’t sure how to behave.

I can't remember if I cried
When I read about my electronic bride
But something touched me deep inside,
The day the t.v. died.

Soo..Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

Did you write the T.V. Guide
And do you have faith in a Satellite
If the FCC tells you so
Do you believe in rock n roll
Can MTV save your mortal soul
Then you can teach me to grind real slow

Well I know that Pam’s in love with Jim
'Cause I saw it on Channel Ten
Dwight always plays the fool
Man Scranton seems so cool

I was a lazy middle aged schmuck
Leather La Z Boy and a pickup truck
but I knew that I was out of luck
The day the T.V. died

I started singin'...
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

Now for 10 years we've been on our own
And the dust grows thick there on my tivo
But that's not how it used to be

When the jester sang for the king and queen
And Simon busted all those dreams
It was awesome when he was mean

And while Simon was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The chicks all came to hang
When William crooned “She Bang”

While the Pat’s stole another’s plays
Baseball fills those summer days
But I sat there in a daze
The day the tv died

We were singin'
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

Hanna Montana, the kids all a twitter
The TV’s no longer my baby sitter
Eight AM and fading fast

As I stared at my unruly horde
The children screamed “Dad We’re bored”
I wished the TV worked, Dear Lord

Now the backyard air was sweet perfume
While neighbors cooked some barbecue
Pulled pork would be a delight
While watching a UFC Fight

'Cause the Fighters tried to take the ring,
But the FCC is the King.
But now my set shows nothing,
The day the T.V. died.

We started singing
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

No CSI or Without a Trace
Where’s Murdoch, BA, Hannibal, or Face?
So come on Jack and Sawyer, Hurley and Locke
Let’s watch VH1’s History of Rock
House is TV’s Greatest Doc.

As I watched something on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
None of the Bard’s tales
Could break the TV’s spell

And as flames climbed high into the night
And the masses began to riot
I saw Kevin Martin laugh with delight
the day the TV died.

We started singing
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

I met a girl who sang the blues
To help pay for her library dues
She just needed something to do

I went down to the electronic store
Where I'd bought my set years before
But the man there said the box wouldn't play

And in the streets the children screamed
The mothers cried and the fathers dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The networks all were broken

And the three men I admire most
Richie, Potsie, and Donnie Most
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the T.V. died

They were singin'
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

Reasons Why This Video Rocks

2008-05-13T08:24:00.007-07:00

One of the great things about working in a cubicle is the opportunity to surf the limitless waste of time that is the internet. While most of the internet is not worthy of the King of the Trailer Park, every once in a while I stumble onto something fantastic. Epica is one of those revelations. Here are 6 reasons this video kicks ARSE:

1-They are from Sweden or Finland or one of those places where they eat a lot of fish. Why is this important? If all you ever ate was dried herring, you would be pissed. Since pillaging is no longer in fashion, you have to channel that anger somewhere, Epica said "Denna fisk stinker, oss vaggar!"

2-They have killer hair. True Metal Hair seems to have become passe, which is probably the reason that most current rock sucks. Epica embraces it's metal roots by growing the best batch of Metal Hair since Piece of Mind (Bruce Dickenson's bangs notwithstanding). Only one member is lacking the necessary locks, but he has a thick neck, angry face, and he plays a Gibson so he gets a pass. If the years of cheetoh dust and mountain dew didn't clog my follicles, I'd have hair like Epica.

3-The Singer is a chick and she rocks. Fiery red hair and the pipes to lead a band of this magnitude equals awesome. For those that think think that girls don't belong in Metal, Nancy Wilson wants you to kiss her bum.

4-The bass player assumes the power position and rocks his hair. If you want to be a proper metal band, you have to have a bass player with the chops to play, a wide enough stance to carry the weight of the band, and the hair to honor the Gods of Rock. Metallica's descent started with And Justice for all, but went completely down the toilet when Jason Newstead cut his hair off. The bass player is the Samson of the band and should never be allowed to cut their hair off, no matter how hot Delilah is.

5-Where is the wind coming from? How do the band members keep disappearing and reappearing? I'll tell you how, Thor the God of Nordic Metal reached down with his hammer and bestowed superpowers upon them. They have been sent to reclaim Rock and Roll from the likes of Hubastank and Nickelback. Their war cry is "Död till skopersonerna som stirrar!" (Death to the Shoe gazers). I heard that when some emo dude accidentally walked into the fish warehouse where Epica was practicing the bass player cleavered him in two with his razor sharp bass. I bet it was glorious!

6-What's the best thing to compliment a rockin chick singer? If you said another chick voice for some sweet harmony you'd be wrong. The answer is some Swedish death growl. Everything is better with a little Swedish Death Growl. Beethoven's Ode to Joy would be the greatest piece of music in the history of the universe if his first name would have been Sven instead of Ludwig.

I must warn you that I'm not responsible for any muscle strains from throwin the metal sign and shaking your buttocks.

SURPRISE!

2008-04-23T13:21:00.001-07:00

Essential Knowledge

2008-04-12T19:37:00.002-07:00

We all know that the public school system is severly lacking in actual educational content. To help make up for that, here is a list of 25 important terms to know courtesy of The Canonical List of Terms for Taking a Crap

Baking a hot icicle
Barbarians at the gate
Big brown man knocking on the back door
Bombing the Oval Office
Committing yourself to the dumpatorium
Cooking a brown carrot
Cooking a butt burrito
Downloading some brownware
Dropping a brown trout
Dropping a chocolate cobra
Dumping an organic depth charge
Grinding the beef
Honking out a dirt snake
Introducing the toilet to the bald man with the cigar
Launching a corn canoe
Making a grunt sculpture
Making some butt gravy
Making some trouser chili
Microwaving a dachsund
Putting fruit in the bowl
Reversing a Ho-Ho
Unleashing the holy leviathan
Updating the Captain's log
Wrestling a brown corn-belly snake
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages**

This weeks Friday Challenge Entry.

2008-04-10T19:02:00.001-07:00

Welcome True Believers. What makes a superhero? Is it being bit by a radioactive redneck baby while touring a tornado struck trailer park? Is it the burning desire to run everyone’s life because you know best? Is it only using your powers for good liberal causes? Our hero struggles with these questions on a daily basis as she settles into her mantle as leader of the semi-free world. Our story begins as we find her taking a well deserved break in the oval office talking on the phone to her best friend.

Hillary Clinton: Oh not much. Just kicking back in the old cherry blossom throne.

Arianna Huffington: Lucky. I wish I was there. I miss you so much.

HC: Oh my gosh, I totally miss you too.

They both squeal.

AH: Did you hear about Brad and Angelina

HC: No! What’s the dish?

AH: I heard from my best friend who heard it from their sister whose cousin is dating the daughter of Brads maid that Angelina is totally adopting another Ethiopian baby.

HC: No Way!

AH: True Story.

HC: Isn’t that like her tenth baby from Africa? If I was married to Brad Pitt, I totally wouldn’t have to outsource my baby making.

AH: You said it girlfriend. Brad is so hot. I’d like to be a bongo in a Brad Pitt-Matthew Matthew McConaughey drum solo.

HC: Amen to that sista!

Suddenly the Clintonator’s Dem Sense starts tingling

HC: Huff, I gotta run. Someone needs my help.

Hillary stands up and rips off her Jacquelyn Smith Collection matching jacket and skirt to reveal her superhero outfit: a tight fitting lime green spandex outfit with a giant yellow C on the chest. She lifts her arm up and presses a button on a large black wrist watch and a door in the roof of the oval office opens up to the morning sky.

Suddenly rockets on her feet ignite and she flies out of the office into the atmosphere.

When our hero was bit by the radioactive redneck child she was given two new mutant powers. The first was she grew rockets on her feet that allowed her to fly. The rockets are fueled by a never ending supply of cellulite that is stored in her thighs. The second is that her left hand and arm is able to morph into a giant hammer. Her super human strength and intellect were always there, but the mutations allowed her to harness them more effectively.

As she rocketed across the sky her Dem Sense shocked her to let her know she was where she was needed.

She descended down into a yard, where a little girl was crying.

“What seems to be the problem, little girl?” The Clintonator asked her.

“My cute little cat is stuck up in the tree and can’t get down” The little girl sobbed.

“Well I think I can help, because I am a Democrat and a Superhero.” Hillary said.

And with that she slowly floated up and grabbed the cat from the large oak it was stuck in and floated back down.

When Hillary handed the cute little kitten with the orange stripes to the little girl, the kitten started to lick the little girls face who then giggled in reply to the kitten kiss.

“Thanks President Clinton. How can I ever repay you?” The little girl asked.

“Don’t worry, you’re daddy already did last paycheck” The President responded.

Suddenly her watch started beeping wildly. She pressed a button and a small hologram of Al Gore appeared.

“What’s happening G?” Hillary asked.

“My Liege, It appears as if the House Republicans are attempting to pass some tax cuts.” Al Gore told her.

“By FDR’s Wheelchair that must not come to pass!” The Clintonator proclaimed.

And with that her rocket boosters lit up and she takes off into the sky.

Meanwhile back at the House of Representatives, the House Republican Leader, John Boehner has just taken the floor.

“Why do you all always laugh when my name is called?” Rep. Boehner complained. “Are we ready to vote on this tax cut?”

Suddenly there’s a loud explosion from the back of the room and bits of wood, drywall, and conservatives go flying everywhere. And then the members of congress see a triumpnaht figure dressed in green striding boldly from the cloud of smoke and dust.

“Are you ready for a Liberal……Butt Whoopin?” Hillary said laughing.

“It’s the Clintonator! Republican’s ATTACK!” Rep. Jeff Flake screams.

Various Conservative figures start pulling chains, clubs, lead pipes, and other blunt instruments from their desks because guns aren’t allowed in DC, not that the Clintonator can be taken down by any normal means. The republicans are about to find out this very painful fact first hand, True Believers.

As the Conservatives run towards her, Rep Tom Tancredo starts barking out orders.

“Distinguished Ladies and Gentlemen, the delegates from Arizona, South Dakota, and Texas you take point. Nebraska, Alaska, and New Mexico you take the flank. We’ll catch her in a Right Wing Conspiricy. She’ll be crushed!” Rep. Tancredo yelled.

Wave after wave of Republicans stormed the Super President and she tore through them like her husband Bubba tears through a Big Mac.

KAPOW

SMASH

BLAM

As the Conservatives marshaled their forces for one final assault, Hillary raises her left hand to sky and bellows “BY THE POWER OF JFK”. Then out of nowhere lighting comes down from the sky and strikes her arm which then morphs into a giant hammer.

Rep. Trent Franks then screams in fear “It’s the FILIBUSTER! Retreat Republicans, Retreat!”

And those that are still alive and able to do so run away leaving the Clintonator a victorious field of battle. As she surveys the floor strewn with debris and bits of R everywhere she notices a CSPAN camera with a red light on it. She adjusts her hair, straightens out her costume, looks into the camera and starts to speak.

“What you just witnessed America is the beginning of a new era. An era of prosperity for all. No longer will the rich and priveliged of this country who have been given every opportunity take from those that need it the most: the middle, lower, upper lower, and lower middle upper classes. I gouged out the eyes of the Republican party for people like Little Susie Derkins who didn’t have the 30 dollar copay to have a wart removed before prom night and missed out on a seminal event in every American girls life. I snapped the conservative’s spine for every person who felt intimidated because the person sitting next to you at the Burger King blessed their triple bacon cheeseburger. I crushed the GOP’s skull for you America.”

And just then Ted Kennedy, dressed like a pirate comes stumbling in. “It is I…hiccup…Captain Morgan coming to save….hiccup…the day!”

He then looks around and sees that the fight is over. Hillary puts her arm around him and says “You’re late again Teddy”

He shrugs his shoulders and then Hillary and the other Democrats tilt their heads back and start laughing.

CPS Sucks!

2008-04-09T20:44:00.002-07:00

My wife and I do foster care. We have invited many children through our home. The kids might even have a shot at a normal life if it wasn't for CPS screwing things up.

For all you libs out there that want the government to run everything, especially healthcare, go down to your local CPS office and look at the quality of individual that works there. That my friends is the same caliber of person that will be making your health decisions for you.

Good luck with that, you freakin honyaks!

Incredible!

2008-04-01T09:45:00.003-07:00

This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!

This is why I'm glad Al Gore invented the internet

2008-03-31T21:37:00.001-07:00

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

The People Demand To Know!

2008-03-29T13:38:00.004-07:00

In this current election cycle, we have heard the politicians wax poetic about such meaningless topics as taxes, the economy, health care, and immigration. We the people of the trailer park demand to know the truth about about what the government is hiding. Specifically why they refuse to tell us the truth about the beast that has ravaged the coast line and kept the citizens of this fine earth in constant terror. I don't mean Hillary Clinton in a bikini. I mean THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!

The ball is in your court Democrats and Republicans. Will you tell us the truth? Will you shed light on this extraordinary creature? The votes of the 6 people in my park that can still legally do so are riding on this!

Rock and Roll Band

2008-03-28T09:58:00.005-07:00

The album of the day is one of my all time favorites. I was cranking it this morning as I cruised down the 202 in my sweet Ford Windstar, The Copper Nugget. It's none other than the debut album from New England's favorite sons: Boston.

There's two reasons for today's choice. The first is that the album RAWKS! Yes I did just say rawks. That's how much this album rules. This album is what rock and roll is all about. Smooth production, killer guitars, awesome vocals with the perfect amount of harmonizing in all the key moments, and just the right ratio of the most under appreciated instrument in a rock bands arsenal-The Keyboard.

The lyrics are the kind of blue collar, lunch box carrying, manly man type of language that even a white collar slob, like myself, can relate to, or at least wish they could relate to. Check out the lyrics to Peace of Mind and just try to find fault in them. I triple dog dare you!

Now if youre feelin kinda low bout the dues youve been paying
Futures coming much too slow
And you wanna run but somehow you just keep on stayin
Cant decide on which way to go
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Now youre climbin to the top of the company ladder
Hope it doesnt take too long
Cantcha you see therell come a day when it wont matter
Come a day when youll be

Now everybodys got advice they just keep on givin
Doesnt mean too much to me
Lots of people out to make-believe theyre livin
Cant decide who they should be.

I understand about indecision
But I dont care if I get behind
People livin in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Preach on my brotha's!

The second reason is that the greatest video game of all time, ROCK BAND, came out with a six pack of Boston tunes this week to jam out to. I gots me a gig scheduled tomorrow over at my buddy's house. I got virtual fans that are about to get their virtual pants rocked this weekend. RESPECT SUCKAS!

Ladies and Gentleman

2008-03-27T08:36:00.002-07:00

I give you the Liger. It has been bred for its skills in magic. It's pretty much my favorite animal.

Hillary was telling the truth!

2008-03-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

View the dramatic video Here.

The Truth

2008-03-25T13:16:00.001-07:00

Greatest Album of All Time

2008-03-25T11:15:00.002-07:00

Since this is my first post, and I have nothing profound to say, I'll just start with the album that is #1 on my desert island list.

Pink Floyd: The Wall

This is the only concept album that I've come across where the story makes it the whole way through.

I think that most view then ending of the album as a negative with Pink offing himself. I think that you all are wrong. You see, he is sentenced to face his humanity by the judge, which is really his inner desire to free himself in worm form. He is then able to tear down the wall and walk away leaving bits of the wall scattered around for others to pick up and start construction of their own wall. We don't know what happens to Pink after that. Maybe Pink left the music biz and started selling his own wall building kits on QVC. I don't know, but I bet he has eyebrows now. You can't be on QVC without eyebrows. It's like a law.

The only way this album could be any better is if Rick Astley did the background vocals on Comfortably Numb.

You better respect!