For Brook

Year in Review

To our friends and family:

It’s hard to believe the 2008 is almost over. This year has gone by so fast. It’s amazing how so much can change in what seems the blink of an eye. 2008 seemed like an uneventful year but in looking back there were some awesome things that happened.

Our family continues to be involved in foster care. This year our Itty Bitty, Brittany was successfully reunited with her father. While it’s always good to see the parents step up and get their life straight, it always hurts when you lose children that you’ve opened up your heart to and have taken care of for so long. Brittany was such an awesome little girl who blossomed in our home and it was tough to say goodbye. However like it happens so many times, when one door closes, the Lord opens another. We welcomed into our home a brand new baby girl in the spring. We got her straight from the hospital, since she didn’t have a name when we got her, we nick named her Hannah. She is the happiest baby I’ve seen since our Ty Ty was little. She is just the best baby. And the good news is that there is a very real chance that we will get to make her a permanent part of our family and adopt her. So please keep us in your prayers that she is able to join our family.

A few moths later we got a call to take care of a couple of sisters, Sariah and Fantasia who were 2 ½ and 1 ½. Of course we said yes. They’ve been a treat to have. Sariah is always smiling and singing, while Fantasia is always doing the cutest little dance. About a month ago CPS called again and said, “Hey, The girls just had a baby brother born, will you take him?” Brook was wise in not asking me, and she of course said yes. So now we also have a little baby boy named Roosevelt. I call him Rosy after Rosy Grier and Brook calls him RJ (Roosevelt Junior).

So for those keeping track, we now at the time this letter is being written have an 8 year old, a 3 year old, almost 2 year old, a 9 month old, and a one month old. Brook and I actually took our little troop on a trip to Colorado for Thanksgiving. You haven’t lived until you’ve taken a 9 hour drive with 5 kids.

The only adventure we took this year was a trip to Grand Junction, which meant me facing my fear and drive on the million dollar highway through Silverton and Ouray. It really wasn’t so bad if you keep your eyes closed. Tightly. And think of something pleasant and distracting, like fried cheese.

I would say though the biggest news of they year is that Tyler turned 8 and decided to be baptized. We are so proud of him. He continues to grow and become everything we ever wanted in a son. He is smart, funny, and most of all he has the biggest heart of any child I’ve ever known. He is the perfect big brother for the parade of children that come through our house. He loves them all.

I can’t close this letter without expressing our love for our Savior Jesus Christ. It’s his love and watchful eye that has got us through the rough spots the last couple of years. We have a testimony of His mission and His Gospel. We are so grateful that he was willing to come down and be born. Let us take some time this Christmas season and ponder how wonderful it is to have a personal Savior.

We love you all and wish all the best.

Sincerely,

The Thomas Family

Welcome to the U.S.S.A.

I spent election day hunting whitetail in beautiful Missouri with my best friend. As we would periodically listen to the results, the realization came to me that we must be the dumbest country on the face of the planet. God gave us this great gift and we have rejected it completely so that those without can take from those that do.

It's as if the Democratic Party and the Media created a Golden Calf and the country dropped everything to worship it.

In fact I think we should replace the Eagle as the symbol of this once proud country to a fat cow with a ring in its nose.

Why FanBoys despise the mainstream.

First I would like to say that The Dark Knight was a phenomenal movie. Everything that has been said about the film and the performances are absolutely true. While the feelings are still fresh, I'm of the thought that this might surpass Unbreakable as my favorite comic book film of all time. Maybe. This screed isn't against the film.

The last week was an exercise in futility as I tried to experience this film in the Imax theater here in town. I decided last night to see it in a regular theater after 4 attempts for the Imax viewing were foiled by computer glitches, theater worker error, craigs list, and thousands of mainstream fans who came to gawk at the final acting performance of a B level actor. I would like everyone to understand that while The Dark Knight is a great movie and Heath Ledgers performance as The Joker is legendary, this movie would not open this big without his death. Period. End of Story. Would anyone be talking about Oscar nominations for him if he was alive? It's Batman for heavens sake. It's not Star Wars. This movie grossed more in it's first weekend than Batman Begins did in it's entire run.

The opening this movie received does not equal its standing in the fan boy universe, at least not mine. I was blocked from seeing this movie by thousands of people who truly don't give a crap about these types of movies generally. They only show up for events.

I'm upset because Fanboys are the ones that keep these movies going. Without Fanboys constantly debating and demanding better The Dark Knight would look like this:

The reason the quality of genre movies has increased is because we finally have FanBoys in the directors seat. It's a great time to be a movie fan, except when "The Movie of the Year" comes out, then you get pushed to the side by husbands and wives who saw the last Batman for the first time on TNT last night so they can get, you know, caught up on the story and stuff.

Where were these idiots last week at Hellboy2? Why didn't they support The Chronicles of Riddick so I can see the rest of the story? Heck, where were they for Batman Begins? How many of them saw the Watchmen trailer and didn't think twice about it? Pretty much all of them because they don't care that it was Batman and the Joker, they only care that they don't want to get left out of the water cooler talk. The fact that no one was in the regular screening of the movie only drives this point home. I can imagine this conversation happening in cubicle across the nation this week:

Poser 1: Did you see The Batman this weekend?

Poser 2: Yeah it was totally rad! The Brokeback dude was stupendous as the Joker.

Poser 1: Well I saw it at the Imax, the way that movies are meant to be seen.

Poser 2: Bitchin!

I think I should write my congressman and demand a law that says that if you didn't pay to see 3 sci-fi and/or superhero movies in the last 6 months you can't go opening weekend. I mean Congress isn't doing anything else of value at the moment.

To sum it up:

The Dark Knight-Awesome

Heath Ledger as the Joker-Awesome

The Jokers disappearing pencil trick-Triple Awesome

Batmans's sore throat-Not so good

The 700 Yuppie couples that banished me to the regular theatre-You suck goat testicles!

Lost Chapter from Stranger in a Strange Land

“Because it’s fun!” Jubal expounded.

Mike had not yet grokked the concept of fun. He was bewildered at the amount of effort that this race devoted to entertainment. As a nestling his sole concern was surviving the harsh Martian landscape. Once he was admitted into the nest what free time he had after doing the Old One’s bidding and cleaning the nest of his water brother’s excretions was spent grokking the fullness of the universe. The idea of a fair baffled him as Martians had no such events.

“Oh Mike, it’s a wonderful place full of rides and games and sweet cotton candy.” Jill squealed.

Mike digested Jill’s comment and did not grok sweetness. When he ate his first shirt whose primary material was cotton the primary sensation was not one of sweetness.

Duke threw in his two cents: “I hear this fair has a naked lady completely covered in tattoo’s from the neck down. And the only thing covering her is a big ol snake. Yowza.”

“Duke, he doesn’t need to see that!” Jill reprimanded him. “Mike you just need to try the food. It’s a wonderland of stick mounted edibles. You'll then see how wonderful that carnival is.” She added.

“It will be good for you to get out and see some of the real world and meet some people other than this crusty old goat and my three lazy assistants.” Jubal said.

“Front!” Jubal bellowed.

Dorcas came running in still dripping from the pool with the steno device. “Yes, boss. What’s up?”

“Take this down,” Jubal Commanded. “New hit show for the networks titled ‘Cletus: The Early Years. No, strike that. Title it: ‘…But you can’t take the Hill out of Billy’. It will be about the amusing adventures of a hillbilly boy taken from the backwoods of Kentucky, who has never met anyone other than his family, and dropped into New York City.”

“Boss that sounds an awful lot like the Beverly Hillbilly’s” Dorcas pointed out.

Jubal looked at Mike and thought for a minute. He then announced: “What makes this fish out of water story different is it will break all sorts of societal taboos”

Duke wondered what kind of societal taboos that an inbred hillbilly would break and if they needed breaking.

Jubal continued to ponder out loud. “It’s still missing something. What is it? I got it! Cletus has two heads and an old Winnebago. It’s genius! Put out feelers to the networks and get a bidding war going.”

“Now lets gat back to the fair, Mike.” Jubal said.

“We’re going to the fair?” Dorcas asked with delight.

“Not unless I decide that you and your two accomplices stay here and get some work done for once.” Jubal chided her.

“Oh come on you old fuddy duddy. I’m going to go get the girls and get dressed. There’s a big ol pickle on a stick calling my name” Dorcas said.

Both Jubal and Duke thought of particularly inappropriate responses to the pickle reference while Mike attempted to grok the brining process.

“Duke, bring the hover car around. Jill, find Mike some clothes that will somewhat hide his identity. I don’t mind him getting pick pocketed at the fair, but if they realize that The Man From Mars was there he’d be mobbed by hordes of fairgoers wanting to see someone famous and dozens of unbathed carnies looking to hock their wares.” Jubal commanded.

Duke landed the Hover Car carefully avoiding Jubal’s roses. He had made that mistake only once. Jubal, Mike, Jill, Dorcas, and Jubal’s other two secretaries Anne and Miriam loaded into the hover car. There was a sense of excitement in the air as Jubal Harshaw did not take flights of fancy like this very often. The conversation drifted back and forth between what skewered food would be devoured and what ride they would take.

The Man From Mars marveled at the varied landscape of this planet. He saw great beauty in all the things his eyes took in. He was considering going into one of his trances to grok this landscape when his waterbrother Jubal spoke to him.

“Now listen Son. There will be people there willing to offer you water in a variety of flavors. Don’t partake. They are dirty carnie folk that want to make a quick buck. They know nothing of water sharing and would take advantage should they ever know what water sharing meant. Plus they wash their underwear in the lemonade water.” Jubal instructed Mike. “If you don’t grok just ask Jill or I what to do.” He added.

“Thank you Jubal. My water is your water.” Mike replied.

The Hover Car landed at the Fair and the group unloaded. They quickly entered the fair and split up with Jill staying close to Mikes side. They walked up to the softball toss. Mike saw that the circumference of the softball was large enough to prohibit any throw to go into the large metal milk containers unless it arrived in a very specific trajectory and grokked that this is wrongness and made the containers disappear. The carnie operating the booth started screaming at Mike and Jill deciding someone had to be blamed over his milk cartons and he was dang sure it wasn’t going to be him. He suddenly found himself in a cloudy place standing next to his milk cans.

Jubal wandered over to the food trailers and decided that his sweet tooth needed to be satiated. He ordered a deep fried Snickers bar. As he bit into it, he was overcome with the need to express his feelings in poetry.

“Front.” He yelled and Anne came up behind him

“Yes sir.” She said.

“Are you ready to dictate?” He asked.

“Always sir” Anne replied.

Jubal cleared his throat. “It’s a poem that we’ll sell to Harper’s. “

“Dark lava flowing down.
Snow sprinkled over hearts delight
The nuts of my love mingled in joy
Damn the molten nougat
Damn the molten nougat”

“That’s great boss, but is that Harpers materiel?” She asked.

“Good point Anne. It’s too good for that rag. Call up my buddy Bruce at Rampant Loon and see if he wants it.” Jubal replied.

Meanwhile Miriam had grabbed Mike and wanted to take him on the Gravitron. The line had been long which had bothered Miriam, but not Mike. She knew that he had patience greater than any person she had ever known. They loaded up and the ride started to spin. Mike grokked the machine and realized the machines capabilities. He wanted to make Miriam happy and began to spin the machine faster and faster. Not understanding the difference in screams of joy and screams of pain he continued building G Forces until eye balls started bursting and blood started flowing from the various orifices of his fellow riders.

Mike sensed injury in Miriam and healed her.

Miriam told Mike “We need to get out of here and fast. Let’s go find Jubal.”

As soon as the ride was over, they bolted out and past a fat sweaty carnival manager who was passing out carnival bucks to the bloodied patrons.

“Remember all rides are at your own risk. The signs are posted everywhere. You can’t sue us.” He barked out to no one in general.

Miriam and Mike ran to the food trailers and found Jubal chowing down on some Jamaican jerked platypus on a stick.
“Mike my boy! Come on over and lets eat. It’s time you expanded your culinary universe.” Jubal yelled out.

The variation of food was another part of this planet that Mike had not yet grokked in fullness. Eating was viewed as a necessity on his planet, and other than the joy they received from grokking a waterbrother that had discorporated, there was little happiness to found in partaking of the rectal excretions of the Nest Provider.

“I think we are going to start out slow. I don’t think you are ready for stick based carnival food, so we will start with a nice plate of fish and chips.

This excited Mike to no end. He had read of these amazing creatures that lived in the water and was sure that they were his waterbrothers as well and would relish partaking of their flesh.

Jubal placed a large mound of fried fish in front of Mike. Mike ravenously ate the deep fried filets. He did not grok these waterbrothers in fullness yet.

“Might I have more, a lot more?” Mike asked.

“You can have as much as you want.” Jubal laughed.

Plate after plate of the fish was placed in front of Mike who ate every last morsel until a funny feeling filled his stomach.

He looked at the huge pile of empty plates and realized that he had achieved fullness and felt he could discorporate at any moment from the sheer joy of it.

“I finally Grok. Thou art Cod.”

The Bat and The Baldy

There’s been a lot of pondering lately on the relationship between Metropolis’ resident genius billionaire, Lex Luthor, and the prince of Gotham, Bruce Wayne. The truth is that there is a connection. Their histories intersect at a particular point in the not too distant past.

They say that most heroes and their arch villains start off as friends. This story is no different.

Some years ago both men were young captains of industry, swashbuckling their way into massive sums of money. They were handsome men, their hair and clothes always impeccable. Bruce Wayne took his fathers fortune and turned it into several fortunes and Lex Luthor took his gift of genius intellect and took the Gotham Stock Exchange by storm, building up and selling off company after company.

It is though these activities that these two became friends. A billionaire has particular stresses that even millionaires can’t fathom. It’s only natural that they gravitate towards each other. They spent many nights cruising the Gotham nightlife together. Of the two, only Bruce harbored a secret so big that even his best friend couldn’t know about it. It was a dark winged secret.

While Bruce maintained an even keel even in the wildest of social circumstances, Lex on the other hand had let his intellectual superiority and business acumen swell his already large ego. It was his disregard for those that he felt were beneath him, which included pretty much the entire population of Gotham with the exception of one man that led to his descent into madness.

On that fateful Friday afternoon, Lex knew that him and Bruce had a long weekend of carousing ahead and wanted to get his hair trimmed to look good for their intended prey. The barber did and adequate job. He was quick and efficient and even Lex admitted to himself that it looked good. However despite his vast fortune, he was a notorious non-tipper, feeling that should they want a tip, they should build it into the price of the service. No one tips him so why should he bother tipping other. He thought it to be a notch above those hoodlums that play that awful folk music down in the park begging for change.

What Lex didn’t know is that he was the 4th person today, the 22nd this week, the 115th, and the 3468th person to refuse to tip in Wally Jergin’s completely mediocre career as a barber. This also happened to be Wally’s breaking point. He shut his shop down and immediately began to formulate the plan that had been festering in his skull all these years.

When Bruce got home that afternoon his butler, Alfred, informed him that according to the local news his friend, Lex Luthor, had been kidnapped by some lunatic calling himself The Follicle. Bruce immediately went down to his secret lair and suited up for another mission.

His superior detective skills soon led him to an abandoned beauty supply warehouse. He jumped down from a roof window landing near The Follicle. Lex Luthor strapped to a barbers chair, and an assortment of evil minions. Bruce briefly wondered to himself where all these minions always come from. Maybe there is a temp agency that farms them out he thought.

“Don’t come any closer Batman. Ol’ Lexy hear has got himself stuck in a hairy situation,” The Follicle announced followed by his best evil cackle. It was a little higher pitched and lacked the menace that Wally had hoped for, but he figured this was a work in progress.

“Let him go. You can’t just kidnap innocent billionaires” Batman replied.

“Oh really? He gets to sit up in his ivory tower with all of his rich buddies, while us lowly slaves waste our life serving him and his ilk, hoping that he might spare just a few crumbs of his bounty with us. But no, he chooses to deny us our hard earned money. Well no more, my winged nemesis.” Wally said. With that he grabs a large bottle the size and approximate shape of a 2 liter of soda and lifts it up. “With the formula that I created, I will get my revenge upon the uncaring men and women of Gotham City. I will dump this into the local water supply causing every man, woman, child, and animal to go bald. No one will ever stiff me again because they won’t need to worry about getting their hair cut ever again. The narcissistic prideful fools so full of bluster will become sheepish wimps ready for subjugation. Muwahahahahaha” Wally was much more satisfied with that evil laugh. He was surprised to find that he quite enjoyed that monologue even though confessing his plan probably wasn’t the wisest thing after all, he isn’t the first bizarre bad guy that Batman’s gone up again. He wondered if other villains ever did the same thing.

Lex started laughing. “That’s it? Your plan is to make Gotham go bald? That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I can’t believe I got kidnapped for that. Someone of my stature deserves a better villain than this guy.” He said.

“Shut Up! It is not stupid. This will bring me revenge,” Wally screamed.

Suddenly Batman attacked. He tore through the minions and ended up in an epic struggle with The Follicle. He desperately tried to wrestle the bottle away with out breaking it. It was during this struggle that the unthinkable happened. The bottle flew out of their hands and flew through the air and landed on a still tied up Lex Luthor who was unable to stop it. The bottle broke on top of his head and its entire contents spilled down over him causing his hair to fall out immediately. The scream he bellowed out in horror could be heard for miles.

Batman subdued the villain, dispatched his henchmen and disappeared as quickly as he appeared leaving Lex to hold down the fort until the police could arrive and take The Follicle to Arkham asylum.

His hate for Batman began to burn with a white-hot passion. He would destroy Batman for what he had done to him. But how, he wondered, and slowly he began to realize that any plan he could think of required him to go out into the public, where his pride and huge ego would never let him go. How could he been seen like this, a hairless freak? And then he began to see the genius of Wally Jergin’s plan. He would have to leave Gotham and take his fury out on some other do-gooder. His pride would allow nothing less.

And then he remembered overhearing a conversation on a street corner waiting for his limo to pick him up. He remembered the two men talking about a new super hero appearing in Metropolis and saving some new reporter from a crashed helicopter. Metropolis would be ideal. No one there knows me there other than by reputation.

What did they call that superhero he wondered? Then he remembered. Lex said the name out loud. “Superman”. He would be the surrogate for the pain that I wish to inflict upon Batman. He would miss his friend Bruce Wayne, but in Lex’s mind he was no longer his equal and not worthy of his friendship.

“Metropolis and Superman’s death it is”

This Weekend

Weird thing happened this weekend. My wife became a bigger RockBand freak than I am. If you knew my wife, you would know this is a strange but awesome development. SHe has been wary of every video game system I've brought home regardless of the fact that the PS2 got played maybe 4 times and ended up used as a DVD player and the Xbox I finally brought home got played even less. We know plenty of couples that video games become a serious issue because of the time spent playing instead of time with the family.

This is great because now I can play and my wife is cool with it because she's throwing down as well. Plus she rocks at it. She scored the first 100% I've seen on vocals Saturday night. I even got her to sing some Iron Maiden and Judas Priest. It was so frickin sweet.




As far as the music front goes, this weeks album is Lacuna Coil's Karmacode. Absolutely killer album. Heavy, heavy music with a dual threat on vocals with the hardest rocking woman in all of metal, Christina Scabia, who is complemented by Andrea Ferro, who is a dude, but they are italian, and in Italy you can have a chicks name and still kick arse.

Schools out, The Friday Challenge is in

I’ll share two experiences that have underlining morals that defined my completely average academic career and set a course for my life.

It was the last class of another boring 7th grade day. The class was choir. I'm not sure why I took choir because I have no musical ability whatsoever, but I enjoyed singing and the teacher was cool. I mean you didn't get to warm up to James Brown in Geometry.

I knew that the year was ending soon and we weren’t doing much in the class that day so I asked the teacher if I could go clean out my locker. I was pleasantly surprised that she said yes. I spent most of the period digging out my locker.

Soon the bell rang and the day was over. It wasn't till I was on the bus for the ride home that I learned that that was the last day of school. I had no idea. I was completely oblivious to that fact. If I didn't feel like goofing off that day I would have lost all of my crap that I had stored in my locker all year.

What did I learn from this near miss? Sometimes it pays to goof off.

Story number two is my favorite finals story. In my 10th grade history class we were given our choice of finals to take. A single question essay test which was basically what did we cover this year?, a 10 question essay test, and a 100 question multiple choice test.

Well I figured the 10 question essay test was the way to go. It would be much easier to fudge my way through since I never did homework and never studied. Most of the class took the 100 question test, but there were a few others that took the 10 question option. No one was dumb enough to try the 1 question test. Although the cajones it would take to accept that challenge probably would have garnered at least a B on principle alone.

Well I slammed my way through the test making sure my answers were long and wordy. I knew the answers thanks to my magical lazy ability to remember from listening in class relieving me of the chore of note taking and studying. I figured since it was an essay test, I should make it an essay. The paragraphs were all fluff with a kernel of truth in the middle.

Of course I was done with it by the time class was half over. The teacher skimmed it over and gave me an A+. When the girl sitting in front of me turned hers in with tiny one and two sentence answers she got a B. When she asked why she got a B and I got an A+, the teachers reply was what makes this story a classic in my book. The teacher looked up at the girl and said “Did you see the size of his answers?”

What’s the moral of this story? A strong ability to BS will pave the way to success.

And this, my friends, is why I ended up a sales person.

This weeks Friday Challenge Entry: CLASSIFIED

Hopefully this works. Here is a link to a download of my entry.

The Friday Challenge

Here is my entry for the most anticipated contest of the week. THE FRIDAY CHALLENGE

This is to the tune of Don McLean's awesome song American Pie. My apologies to him, his family, and fans.

A long, long time ago... I can still remember how
That Elmo used to make me smile.
And I knew if he had a chance,
That he could make my children dance,
And maybe they'd be happy for a while.

But February 17th made me mad,
Thinking of the channels that I had,
Bad news on the airwaves...
I wasn’t sure how to behave.

I can't remember if I cried
When I read about my electronic bride
But something touched me deep inside,
The day the t.v. died.

Soo..Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

Did you write the T.V. Guide
And do you have faith in a Satellite
If the FCC tells you so
Do you believe in rock n roll
Can MTV save your mortal soul
Then you can teach me to grind real slow

Well I know that Pam’s in love with Jim
'Cause I saw it on Channel Ten
Dwight always plays the fool
Man Scranton seems so cool

I was a lazy middle aged schmuck
Leather La Z Boy and a pickup truck
but I knew that I was out of luck
The day the T.V. died

I started singin'...
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

Now for 10 years we've been on our own
And the dust grows thick there on my tivo
But that's not how it used to be

When the jester sang for the king and queen
And Simon busted all those dreams
It was awesome when he was mean

And while Simon was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The chicks all came to hang
When William crooned “She Bang”

While the Pat’s stole another’s plays
Baseball fills those summer days
But I sat there in a daze
The day the tv died

We were singin'
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

Hanna Montana, the kids all a twitter
The TV’s no longer my baby sitter
Eight AM and fading fast

As I stared at my unruly horde
The children screamed “Dad We’re bored”
I wished the TV worked, Dear Lord

Now the backyard air was sweet perfume
While neighbors cooked some barbecue
Pulled pork would be a delight
While watching a UFC Fight

'Cause the Fighters tried to take the ring,
But the FCC is the King.
But now my set shows nothing,
The day the T.V. died.

We started singing
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

No CSI or Without a Trace
Where’s Murdoch, BA, Hannibal, or Face?
So come on Jack and Sawyer, Hurley and Locke
Let’s watch VH1’s History of Rock
House is TV’s Greatest Doc.

As I watched something on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
None of the Bard’s tales
Could break the TV’s spell

And as flames climbed high into the night
And the masses began to riot
I saw Kevin Martin laugh with delight
the day the TV died.

We started singing
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

I met a girl who sang the blues
To help pay for her library dues
She just needed something to do

I went down to the electronic store
Where I'd bought my set years before
But the man there said the box wouldn't play

And in the streets the children screamed
The mothers cried and the fathers dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The networks all were broken

And the three men I admire most
Richie, Potsie, and Donnie Most
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the T.V. died

They were singin'
Bye, bye my American Idol
Tried to power up the tv, but the tv was idle.
And good ol' boys were drinking whisky and Schlitz
Wondering why the tube is on the fritz
Yes the tube is on the fritz

Reasons Why This Video Rocks

One of the great things about working in a cubicle is the opportunity to surf the limitless waste of time that is the internet. While most of the internet is not worthy of the King of the Trailer Park, every once in a while I stumble onto something fantastic. Epica is one of those revelations. Here are 6 reasons this video kicks ARSE:


1-They are from Sweden or Finland or one of those places where they eat a lot of fish. Why is this important? If all you ever ate was dried herring, you would be pissed. Since pillaging is no longer in fashion, you have to channel that anger somewhere, Epica said "Denna fisk stinker, oss vaggar!"

2-They have killer hair. True Metal Hair seems to have become passe, which is probably the reason that most current rock sucks. Epica embraces it's metal roots by growing the best batch of Metal Hair since Piece of Mind (Bruce Dickenson's bangs notwithstanding). Only one member is lacking the necessary locks, but he has a thick neck, angry face, and he plays a Gibson so he gets a pass. If the years of cheetoh dust and mountain dew didn't clog my follicles, I'd have hair like Epica.

3-The Singer is a chick and she rocks. Fiery red hair and the pipes to lead a band of this magnitude equals awesome. For those that think think that girls don't belong in Metal, Nancy Wilson wants you to kiss her bum.

4-The bass player assumes the power position and rocks his hair. If you want to be a proper metal band, you have to have a bass player with the chops to play, a wide enough stance to carry the weight of the band, and the hair to honor the Gods of Rock. Metallica's descent started with And Justice for all, but went completely down the toilet when Jason Newstead cut his hair off. The bass player is the Samson of the band and should never be allowed to cut their hair off, no matter how hot Delilah is.

5-Where is the wind coming from? How do the band members keep disappearing and reappearing? I'll tell you how, Thor the God of Nordic Metal reached down with his hammer and bestowed superpowers upon them. They have been sent to reclaim Rock and Roll from the likes of Hubastank and Nickelback. Their war cry is "Död till skopersonerna som stirrar!" (Death to the Shoe gazers). I heard that when some emo dude accidentally walked into the fish warehouse where Epica was practicing the bass player cleavered him in two with his razor sharp bass. I bet it was glorious!

6-What's the best thing to compliment a rockin chick singer? If you said another chick voice for some sweet harmony you'd be wrong. The answer is some Swedish death growl. Everything is better with a little Swedish Death Growl. Beethoven's Ode to Joy would be the greatest piece of music in the history of the universe if his first name would have been Sven instead of Ludwig.

I must warn you that I'm not responsible for any muscle strains from throwin the metal sign and shaking your buttocks.

SURPRISE!

Essential Knowledge

We all know that the public school system is severly lacking in actual educational content. To help make up for that, here is a list of 25 important terms to know courtesy of The Canonical List of Terms for Taking a Crap

Baking a hot icicle
Barbarians at the gate
Big brown man knocking on the back door
Bombing the Oval Office
Committing yourself to the dumpatorium
Cooking a brown carrot
Cooking a butt burrito
Downloading some brownware
Dropping a brown trout
Dropping a chocolate cobra
Dumping an organic depth charge
Grinding the beef
Honking out a dirt snake
Introducing the toilet to the bald man with the cigar
Launching a corn canoe
Making a grunt sculpture
Making some butt gravy
Making some trouser chili
Microwaving a dachsund
Putting fruit in the bowl
Reversing a Ho-Ho
Unleashing the holy leviathan
Updating the Captain's log
Wrestling a brown corn-belly snake
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages**

This weeks Friday Challenge Entry.

Welcome True Believers. What makes a superhero? Is it being bit by a radioactive redneck baby while touring a tornado struck trailer park? Is it the burning desire to run everyone’s life because you know best? Is it only using your powers for good liberal causes? Our hero struggles with these questions on a daily basis as she settles into her mantle as leader of the semi-free world. Our story begins as we find her taking a well deserved break in the oval office talking on the phone to her best friend.

Hillary Clinton: Oh not much. Just kicking back in the old cherry blossom throne.

Arianna Huffington: Lucky. I wish I was there. I miss you so much.

HC: Oh my gosh, I totally miss you too.

They both squeal.

AH: Did you hear about Brad and Angelina

HC: No! What’s the dish?

AH: I heard from my best friend who heard it from their sister whose cousin is dating the daughter of Brads maid that Angelina is totally adopting another Ethiopian baby.

HC: No Way!

AH: True Story.

HC: Isn’t that like her tenth baby from Africa? If I was married to Brad Pitt, I totally wouldn’t have to outsource my baby making.

AH: You said it girlfriend. Brad is so hot. I’d like to be a bongo in a Brad Pitt-Matthew Matthew McConaughey drum solo.

HC: Amen to that sista!

Suddenly the Clintonator’s Dem Sense starts tingling

HC: Huff, I gotta run. Someone needs my help.

Hillary stands up and rips off her Jacquelyn Smith Collection matching jacket and skirt to reveal her superhero outfit: a tight fitting lime green spandex outfit with a giant yellow C on the chest. She lifts her arm up and presses a button on a large black wrist watch and a door in the roof of the oval office opens up to the morning sky.

Suddenly rockets on her feet ignite and she flies out of the office into the atmosphere.

When our hero was bit by the radioactive redneck child she was given two new mutant powers. The first was she grew rockets on her feet that allowed her to fly. The rockets are fueled by a never ending supply of cellulite that is stored in her thighs. The second is that her left hand and arm is able to morph into a giant hammer. Her super human strength and intellect were always there, but the mutations allowed her to harness them more effectively.

As she rocketed across the sky her Dem Sense shocked her to let her know she was where she was needed.

She descended down into a yard, where a little girl was crying.

“What seems to be the problem, little girl?” The Clintonator asked her.

“My cute little cat is stuck up in the tree and can’t get down” The little girl sobbed.

“Well I think I can help, because I am a Democrat and a Superhero.” Hillary said.

And with that she slowly floated up and grabbed the cat from the large oak it was stuck in and floated back down.

When Hillary handed the cute little kitten with the orange stripes to the little girl, the kitten started to lick the little girls face who then giggled in reply to the kitten kiss.

“Thanks President Clinton. How can I ever repay you?” The little girl asked.

“Don’t worry, you’re daddy already did last paycheck” The President responded.

Suddenly her watch started beeping wildly. She pressed a button and a small hologram of Al Gore appeared.

“What’s happening G?” Hillary asked.

“My Liege, It appears as if the House Republicans are attempting to pass some tax cuts.” Al Gore told her.

“By FDR’s Wheelchair that must not come to pass!” The Clintonator proclaimed.

And with that her rocket boosters lit up and she takes off into the sky.

Meanwhile back at the House of Representatives, the House Republican Leader, John Boehner has just taken the floor.

“Why do you all always laugh when my name is called?” Rep. Boehner complained. “Are we ready to vote on this tax cut?”

Suddenly there’s a loud explosion from the back of the room and bits of wood, drywall, and conservatives go flying everywhere. And then the members of congress see a triumpnaht figure dressed in green striding boldly from the cloud of smoke and dust.

“Are you ready for a Liberal……Butt Whoopin?” Hillary said laughing.

“It’s the Clintonator! Republican’s ATTACK!” Rep. Jeff Flake screams.

Various Conservative figures start pulling chains, clubs, lead pipes, and other blunt instruments from their desks because guns aren’t allowed in DC, not that the Clintonator can be taken down by any normal means. The republicans are about to find out this very painful fact first hand, True Believers.

As the Conservatives run towards her, Rep Tom Tancredo starts barking out orders.

“Distinguished Ladies and Gentlemen, the delegates from Arizona, South Dakota, and Texas you take point. Nebraska, Alaska, and New Mexico you take the flank. We’ll catch her in a Right Wing Conspiricy. She’ll be crushed!” Rep. Tancredo yelled.

Wave after wave of Republicans stormed the Super President and she tore through them like her husband Bubba tears through a Big Mac.

KAPOW

SMASH

BLAM

As the Conservatives marshaled their forces for one final assault, Hillary raises her left hand to sky and bellows “BY THE POWER OF JFK”. Then out of nowhere lighting comes down from the sky and strikes her arm which then morphs into a giant hammer.

Rep. Trent Franks then screams in fear “It’s the FILIBUSTER! Retreat Republicans, Retreat!”

And those that are still alive and able to do so run away leaving the Clintonator a victorious field of battle. As she surveys the floor strewn with debris and bits of R everywhere she notices a CSPAN camera with a red light on it. She adjusts her hair, straightens out her costume, looks into the camera and starts to speak.

“What you just witnessed America is the beginning of a new era. An era of prosperity for all. No longer will the rich and priveliged of this country who have been given every opportunity take from those that need it the most: the middle, lower, upper lower, and lower middle upper classes. I gouged out the eyes of the Republican party for people like Little Susie Derkins who didn’t have the 30 dollar copay to have a wart removed before prom night and missed out on a seminal event in every American girls life. I snapped the conservative’s spine for every person who felt intimidated because the person sitting next to you at the Burger King blessed their triple bacon cheeseburger. I crushed the GOP’s skull for you America.”

And just then Ted Kennedy, dressed like a pirate comes stumbling in. “It is I…hiccup…Captain Morgan coming to save….hiccup…the day!”

He then looks around and sees that the fight is over. Hillary puts her arm around him and says “You’re late again Teddy”

He shrugs his shoulders and then Hillary and the other Democrats tilt their heads back and start laughing.

CPS Sucks!

My wife and I do foster care. We have invited many children through our home. The kids might even have a shot at a normal life if it wasn't for CPS screwing things up.

For all you libs out there that want the government to run everything, especially healthcare, go down to your local CPS office and look at the quality of individual that works there. That my friends is the same caliber of person that will be making your health decisions for you.

Good luck with that, you freakin honyaks!

Incredible!

This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!

This is why I'm glad Al Gore invented the internet

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

The People Demand To Know!

In this current election cycle, we have heard the politicians wax poetic about such meaningless topics as taxes, the economy, health care, and immigration. We the people of the trailer park demand to know the truth about about what the government is hiding. Specifically why they refuse to tell us the truth about the beast that has ravaged the coast line and kept the citizens of this fine earth in constant terror. I don't mean Hillary Clinton in a bikini. I mean THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!






The ball is in your court Democrats and Republicans. Will you tell us the truth? Will you shed light on this extraordinary creature? The votes of the 6 people in my park that can still legally do so are riding on this!

Rock and Roll Band

The album of the day is one of my all time favorites. I was cranking it this morning as I cruised down the 202 in my sweet Ford Windstar, The Copper Nugget. It's none other than the debut album from New England's favorite sons: Boston.





There's two reasons for today's choice. The first is that the album RAWKS! Yes I did just say rawks. That's how much this album rules. This album is what rock and roll is all about. Smooth production, killer guitars, awesome vocals with the perfect amount of harmonizing in all the key moments, and just the right ratio of the most under appreciated instrument in a rock bands arsenal-The Keyboard.


The lyrics are the kind of blue collar, lunch box carrying, manly man type of language that even a white collar slob, like myself, can relate to, or at least wish they could relate to. Check out the lyrics to Peace of Mind and just try to find fault in them. I triple dog dare you!


Now if youre feelin kinda low bout the dues youve been paying
Futures coming much too slow
And you wanna run but somehow you just keep on stayin
Cant decide on which way to go
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Now youre climbin to the top of the company ladder
Hope it doesnt take too long
Cantcha you see therell come a day when it wont matter
Come a day when youll be

Now everybodys got advice they just keep on givin
Doesnt mean too much to me
Lots of people out to make-believe theyre livin
Cant decide who they should be.

I understand about indecision
But I dont care if I get behind
People livin in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Preach on my brotha's!

The second reason is that the greatest video game of all time, ROCK BAND, came out with a six pack of Boston tunes this week to jam out to. I gots me a gig scheduled tomorrow over at my buddy's house. I got virtual fans that are about to get their virtual pants rocked this weekend. RESPECT SUCKAS!

Ladies and Gentleman

I give you the Liger. It has been bred for its skills in magic. It's pretty much my favorite animal.