Chester awoke and slowly sat up on
his couch and dusted the Dorito crumbs off his vintage Super Mario Brothers
shirt. He noticed his cheesy fingerprints on his Xbox controller and remembered
the all night Halo and junk food binge. It was Christmas Eve and he was
stressed. The late night smorgasbord of killing bad guys and raiding his parents’
pantry of anything and everything tasty did not soothe his distress.
It had
been a hard year for Chester. He had hoped that this was the year he would
finally be able to move out of his parents’ basement into his own place and
then propose to the love of his life. Unfortunately calling a customer stupid
for wanting to get a PlayStation 4 instead of the much superior Xbox one
platform is a one way ticket to unemployment town. “Stupid Customer” Chester
mumbled as he cursed his bad luck.
His savings were further depleted
when he had to stock up on Mountain Dew and Beef Jerky for his weeks long
campout for the new Star Wars movie. And while it was worth it to protect his
hard earned geek cred, he had no money left to buy a Christmas gift for his
girlfriend Sandy. And this was the core of his conundrum. After 36 years, it
took meeting Sandy in a Hunger Games fan fiction chat room to get Chester to
realize that maybe, just maybe, there was more to life than awesome stuff. He
licked the cheese off his fingers and he felt this lesson weigh on him like the
Incredible Hulk sitting on his chest.
What could Chester do? His bank
account was tapped out. He was too embarrassed to go to his parents for cash.
They remind him every time the topic of money comes up that most men his age
have their own place to live and a job. Their constant harping is enough to
make one give up on their dream of writing comics for a living. Almost, but
Chester just knew his comic “My Little Hello Kitty Pony Ninjas of Doom” would
be his ticket to the big time. And if his parental units didn’t believe him,
Sandy surely did.
“Oh Sandy, what am I going to do?”
Chester muttered to himself. He looked around the basement. He had spent years
working to get it exactly the way he wanted. Every Marvel and DC poster placed
perfectly, every Lord of the Rings action figure placed in the perfect order.
Lego sets were lovingly put together and placed around the room. His
collections represented a lifetime of building the ultimate shrine to all
things awesome. However there was thing that wasn’t in his collection any, and
that was his heart. Sandy had it now. Chester desperately wanted to put Sandy’s
heart in his collection. Not in the
scary stabby stalker sort of way, but in a totally metaphorical way. He knew he
had to part ways with a sacred part of his collection to fund his Christmas
purchase for Sandy.
His true love for Sandy dictated
his choice. He took his most prized possession, a super rare limited edition
gold foiled ultra-mega Pikachu Pokémon card. He stared at it and remembered all
the epic battles this card had single handedly won for him over the years.
Losing this companion that has been at his side through so many wars was a
punch to his gut, but he knew Sandy was worth it.
The three block walk to the game shop might as
well have been 300 miles. He carried the heavy burden of leaving one love
behind for the love of another. He only hoped that the money made from this gut
wrenching sacrifice would be enough to procure the prize that would be sure to
seal Sandy’s devotion to him.
He got a hefty sum for his beloved
Pikachu and he was pleased that the clerk at the shop at least understood the
value of his prized possession. As he clutched his new wad of cash and fought
back tears, he looked around the shop and there he spied it. Up on a shelf,
next to a sweet autographed picture of William Shatner dressed as Captain Kirk
was the rare Kenner, mint in the box, blue snaggletooth action figure that
would complete the ultimate star wars cantina scene that Sandy had spent years
trying to put together. And what was even better he had more than enough money.
Chester’s body tingled at the thought of Sandy opening up this special gift. He
had never done anything like this for someone else before, but then he had
never known anyone as special as Sandy. He couldn’t wait for that evening.
After what seemed forever Chester’s
phone alarm went off. It was six o’clock and soon Sandy would be there for the
gift exchange. He had enough money left over from his purchase that he was able
to buy a veritable feast of Jack in the Box tacos for him and Sandy to dine on.
The doorbell rang and Chester ran up the basement stairs, through the living
room, and threw open the door.
“Hi Sandy” Chester said as
nonchalantly as he could, though she looked ravishing in her retro Battlestar
Galactica T-shirt.
“Hey Chester”. She replied. A quick
embrace followed and they both made their way down into the basement.
“I bought dinner.” Chester pointed
to the large bag full of greasy corn tortillas filled with beef flavored soy
protein and American cheese and deep fried to oily perfection.
“Thanks” Sandy Replied. “I’m not
really hungry. I think I had too many Dorito’s and mountain dews last night
during an all-night Fallout 4 marathon”
“Is there any doubt this was the
perfect woman for me” thought Chester.
“Anyway, I can’t stay too long, I
got a family thing to get to. I got you this present.” Sandy said. “It’s no big deal” she added as nonchalantly
as she could but the excitement was bubbling up inside her.
She handed him a small package and
he ripped into the wrapping paper with relish. He marveled at what was inside.
It was a custom made, titanium coated, Pokémon card holder. It was inlaid with
gold filigree and etched with the message “To Chester, my Pikachu in shining
armor”.
“I had it made so you can protect
and display your prized Pikachu card” Sandy told Chester
“No big deal?” Chester thought. He
held in his hand the most amazing gift he had ever been given. “How could you
afford this? I know they cut your hours down at the tattoo parlor” he asked.
Sandy
allowed herself to open up and share her true feelings. “Chester, you mean more
than anything to me and these last 6 days have truly been magical. It is true
that money has been tight, but I was able to sell my Star Wars cantina action
figures and had this custom made for you.”
Sandy
saw Chester’s eyes well up. “Well come on, let me see what this holder looks
like with your Pikachu in it” she said.
Chester
grabbed her hand, looked her in her one good eye and told her, “I can’t. I had
to make the same difficult decision because of how I feel for you.” He then
handed his gift to her which she promptly opened.
“A ten
dollar gift certificate to QT?” she asked puzzled.
“I know
how much you love those buffalo chicken rollers.” He told her. “I just can’t
bear the thought of you going to work on an empty stomach. Plus if you wait until
after three o’clock the donuts are half off making this almost like a $20 gift
card. ” A terse embrace followed and then Sandy left for her family get
together.
As
Chester sat on his couch aglow with a feeling of deep satisfaction. This was
the best Christmas he could ever remember. As he looked around his room, his
eyes met the gaze from his new autographed William Shatner picture and he now understood
at last the lesson learned by wise nerds throughout the centuries, that when
given the choice between true love and William Shatner, remember, it’s a trick
question. William Shatner is true love.
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