Reasons Why This Video Rocks

One of the great things about working in a cubicle is the opportunity to surf the limitless waste of time that is the internet. While most of the internet is not worthy of the King of the Trailer Park, every once in a while I stumble onto something fantastic. Epica is one of those revelations. Here are 6 reasons this video kicks ARSE:


1-They are from Sweden or Finland or one of those places where they eat a lot of fish. Why is this important? If all you ever ate was dried herring, you would be pissed. Since pillaging is no longer in fashion, you have to channel that anger somewhere, Epica said "Denna fisk stinker, oss vaggar!"

2-They have killer hair. True Metal Hair seems to have become passe, which is probably the reason that most current rock sucks. Epica embraces it's metal roots by growing the best batch of Metal Hair since Piece of Mind (Bruce Dickenson's bangs notwithstanding). Only one member is lacking the necessary locks, but he has a thick neck, angry face, and he plays a Gibson so he gets a pass. If the years of cheetoh dust and mountain dew didn't clog my follicles, I'd have hair like Epica.

3-The Singer is a chick and she rocks. Fiery red hair and the pipes to lead a band of this magnitude equals awesome. For those that think think that girls don't belong in Metal, Nancy Wilson wants you to kiss her bum.

4-The bass player assumes the power position and rocks his hair. If you want to be a proper metal band, you have to have a bass player with the chops to play, a wide enough stance to carry the weight of the band, and the hair to honor the Gods of Rock. Metallica's descent started with And Justice for all, but went completely down the toilet when Jason Newstead cut his hair off. The bass player is the Samson of the band and should never be allowed to cut their hair off, no matter how hot Delilah is.

5-Where is the wind coming from? How do the band members keep disappearing and reappearing? I'll tell you how, Thor the God of Nordic Metal reached down with his hammer and bestowed superpowers upon them. They have been sent to reclaim Rock and Roll from the likes of Hubastank and Nickelback. Their war cry is "Död till skopersonerna som stirrar!" (Death to the Shoe gazers). I heard that when some emo dude accidentally walked into the fish warehouse where Epica was practicing the bass player cleavered him in two with his razor sharp bass. I bet it was glorious!

6-What's the best thing to compliment a rockin chick singer? If you said another chick voice for some sweet harmony you'd be wrong. The answer is some Swedish death growl. Everything is better with a little Swedish Death Growl. Beethoven's Ode to Joy would be the greatest piece of music in the history of the universe if his first name would have been Sven instead of Ludwig.

I must warn you that I'm not responsible for any muscle strains from throwin the metal sign and shaking your buttocks.