Saturday, April 12, 2008
We all know that the public school system is severly lacking in actual educational content. To help make up for that, here is a list of 25 important terms to know courtesy of The Canonical List of Terms for Taking a Crap
Baking a hot icicle
Barbarians at the gate
Big brown man knocking on the back door
Bombing the Oval Office
Committing yourself to the dumpatorium
Cooking a brown carrot
Cooking a butt burrito
Downloading some brownware
Dropping a brown trout
Dropping a chocolate cobra
Dumping an organic depth charge
Grinding the beef
Honking out a dirt snake
Introducing the toilet to the bald man with the cigar
Launching a corn canoe
Making a grunt sculpture
Making some butt gravy
Making some trouser chili
Microwaving a dachsund
Putting fruit in the bowl
Reversing a Ho-Ho
Unleashing the holy leviathan
Updating the Captain's log
Wrestling a brown corn-belly snake
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages**
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Welcome True Believers. What makes a superhero? Is it being bit by a radioactive redneck baby while touring a tornado struck trailer park? Is it the burning desire to run everyone’s life because you know best? Is it only using your powers for good liberal causes? Our hero struggles with these questions on a daily basis as she settles into her mantle as leader of the semi-free world. Our story begins as we find her taking a well deserved break in the oval office talking on the phone to her best friend.
Hillary Clinton: Oh not much. Just kicking back in the old cherry blossom throne.
Arianna Huffington: Lucky. I wish I was there. I miss you so much.
HC: Oh my gosh, I totally miss you too.
They both squeal.
AH: Did you hear about Brad and Angelina
HC: No! What’s the dish?
AH: I heard from my best friend who heard it from their sister whose cousin is dating the daughter of Brads maid that Angelina is totally adopting another Ethiopian baby.
HC: No Way!
AH: True Story.
HC: Isn’t that like her tenth baby from Africa? If I was married to Brad Pitt, I totally wouldn’t have to outsource my baby making.
AH: You said it girlfriend. Brad is so hot. I’d like to be a bongo in a Brad Pitt-Matthew Matthew McConaughey drum solo.
HC: Amen to that sista!
Suddenly the Clintonator’s Dem Sense starts tingling
HC: Huff, I gotta run. Someone needs my help.
Hillary stands up and rips off her Jacquelyn Smith Collection matching jacket and skirt to reveal her superhero outfit: a tight fitting lime green spandex outfit with a giant yellow C on the chest. She lifts her arm up and presses a button on a large black wrist watch and a door in the roof of the oval office opens up to the morning sky.
Suddenly rockets on her feet ignite and she flies out of the office into the atmosphere.
When our hero was bit by the radioactive redneck child she was given two new mutant powers. The first was she grew rockets on her feet that allowed her to fly. The rockets are fueled by a never ending supply of cellulite that is stored in her thighs. The second is that her left hand and arm is able to morph into a giant hammer. Her super human strength and intellect were always there, but the mutations allowed her to harness them more effectively.
As she rocketed across the sky her Dem Sense shocked her to let her know she was where she was needed.
She descended down into a yard, where a little girl was crying.
“What seems to be the problem, little girl?” The Clintonator asked her.
“My cute little cat is stuck up in the tree and can’t get down” The little girl sobbed.
“Well I think I can help, because I am a Democrat and a Superhero.” Hillary said.
And with that she slowly floated up and grabbed the cat from the large oak it was stuck in and floated back down.
When Hillary handed the cute little kitten with the orange stripes to the little girl, the kitten started to lick the little girls face who then giggled in reply to the kitten kiss.
“Thanks President Clinton. How can I ever repay you?” The little girl asked.
“Don’t worry, you’re daddy already did last paycheck” The President responded.
Suddenly her watch started beeping wildly. She pressed a button and a small hologram of Al Gore appeared.
“What’s happening G?” Hillary asked.
“My Liege, It appears as if the House Republicans are attempting to pass some tax cuts.” Al Gore told her.
“By FDR’s Wheelchair that must not come to pass!” The Clintonator proclaimed.
And with that her rocket boosters lit up and she takes off into the sky.
Meanwhile back at the House of Representatives, the House Republican Leader, John Boehner has just taken the floor.
“Why do you all always laugh when my name is called?” Rep. Boehner complained. “Are we ready to vote on this tax cut?”
Suddenly there’s a loud explosion from the back of the room and bits of wood, drywall, and conservatives go flying everywhere. And then the members of congress see a triumpnaht figure dressed in green striding boldly from the cloud of smoke and dust.
“Are you ready for a Liberal……Butt Whoopin?” Hillary said laughing.
“It’s the Clintonator! Republican’s ATTACK!” Rep. Jeff Flake screams.
Various Conservative figures start pulling chains, clubs, lead pipes, and other blunt instruments from their desks because guns aren’t allowed in DC, not that the Clintonator can be taken down by any normal means. The republicans are about to find out this very painful fact first hand, True Believers.
As the Conservatives run towards her, Rep Tom Tancredo starts barking out orders.
“Distinguished Ladies and Gentlemen, the delegates from Arizona, South Dakota, and Texas you take point. Nebraska, Alaska, and New Mexico you take the flank. We’ll catch her in a Right Wing Conspiricy. She’ll be crushed!” Rep. Tancredo yelled.
Wave after wave of Republicans stormed the Super President and she tore through them like her husband Bubba tears through a Big Mac.
As the Conservatives marshaled their forces for one final assault, Hillary raises her left hand to sky and bellows “BY THE POWER OF JFK”. Then out of nowhere lighting comes down from the sky and strikes her arm which then morphs into a giant hammer.
Rep. Trent Franks then screams in fear “It’s the FILIBUSTER! Retreat Republicans, Retreat!”
And those that are still alive and able to do so run away leaving the Clintonator a victorious field of battle. As she surveys the floor strewn with debris and bits of R everywhere she notices a CSPAN camera with a red light on it. She adjusts her hair, straightens out her costume, looks into the camera and starts to speak.
“What you just witnessed America is the beginning of a new era. An era of prosperity for all. No longer will the rich and priveliged of this country who have been given every opportunity take from those that need it the most: the middle, lower, upper lower, and lower middle upper classes. I gouged out the eyes of the Republican party for people like Little Susie Derkins who didn’t have the 30 dollar copay to have a wart removed before prom night and missed out on a seminal event in every American girls life. I snapped the conservative’s spine for every person who felt intimidated because the person sitting next to you at the Burger King blessed their triple bacon cheeseburger. I crushed the GOP’s skull for you America.”
And just then Ted Kennedy, dressed like a pirate comes stumbling in. “It is I…hiccup…Captain Morgan coming to save….hiccup…the day!”
He then looks around and sees that the fight is over. Hillary puts her arm around him and says “You’re late again Teddy”
He shrugs his shoulders and then Hillary and the other Democrats tilt their heads back and start laughing.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
My wife and I do foster care. We have invited many children through our home. The kids might even have a shot at a normal life if it wasn't for CPS screwing things up.
For all you libs out there that want the government to run everything, especially healthcare, go down to your local CPS office and look at the quality of individual that works there. That my friends is the same caliber of person that will be making your health decisions for you.
Good luck with that, you freakin honyaks!