Monday, October 13, 2014

Getting Healthy on the Mean Streets

Well my friends, it’s been a while since I updated you on how things are going on the mean streets of Apache Junction. And I have to be honest; life on the mean streets is pretty sweet. We like to keep it positive because there are few things better than waking up each morning and watching the sun rise over a sea of doublewides. Of course even when things are as great as they are on the mean streets, life can throw you a curve.

The other day I was feeling pretty run down. It wasn’t your normal “up late watching reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard” type of tired. I could be up all night watching the exploits of Sherriff Roscoe P. Coltrane and his trusty sidekick Flash and still have enough get up and go for eight hours of scraping asbestos off the ceiling of the park rec center. This was something else. My vim and vigor was plain busted. I’m not sure which one, but the Greyhound Express of life had a flat tire, and that was for sure.

So I walked over to talk to my buddy “One-Leg” Bill and told him all about my situation. He said that while he was manning the deep fryer at the Jack in the Box the other day, he overheard two of those suburban type ladies talking about something called low carb. I wasn’t sure what he meant by low carb. My truck only has one carburetor. I’m not sure you can go less than one carburetor if you need to run down to the Circle K for a roller grill and donut fix. 

Ol One Leg told me it didn’t have anything to do with their mode of vehicular transportation. He said these ladies ordered their burger wrapped in lettuce. I asked him if the lettuce made the bun soggy and this is where it really got crazy: he said there was no bun on their burgers. Now call me crazy, but this just sounds un-American. How can you eat a burger with no bun? That’s like trying to eat a steak without a baked potato. IT JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE!

However, I was intrigued. After all, these suburban ladies look better in a velvet jogging suit than I ever will, so maybe they know something I don’t. So I went up to Hilda in the trailer park office and asked her to look up “Low Carb” on the google machine and see what it says. I was shocked at what she rattled off. Apparently carbs are the magical ingredient that makes food taste good and since about August of 2009, they have been killing us.  I guess carbs are just like midget wrestling, eating strange mushrooms, and going down the slip and slide in the nude. While potentially a lot of fun, they are best left off of life’s menu.

Since I want to roll on the mean streets of Apache Junction long after my tags have expired, I have decided to make the following changes:

  • ·         Removing the completely unnecessary middle bun in the Big Mac.
  • ·         Replacing the potato chips in my OOP (Olive Loaf, Onion, and Potato Chip) sandwich with pork rinds.
  • ·         Only eating Vienna Sausages made of real meat and real meat byproducts.
  • ·         Increasing my vegetable intake by not removing the lettuce from my tacos.
  • ·         And lastly, I will only use bacon grease to cook with and not as a side dish.

I hope you can join me on this health crusade so that we can enjoy many, many double wide sunrises together.